10 Tips for Surviving the Family Holiday When Your Family Is Nuts!

1) Be honest with yourself! Once you’re honest with yourself and can say, “Yes, as much as I love them, my family is messed up,” you can begin to make plans to cope.

2) Ask yourself what you really want. You may be surprised by the answer. You may even decide what you want is to be with your family, warts and all. Once being with them is a choice instead of a gun-to-your-head obligation maybe you can relax.

3) Give yourself permission to have an escape route. If you want to try having dinner with the family make plans to go somewhere you can breathe easier for dessert. In extreme cases it’s a good idea to have a Plan B (i.e. leaving for good or asking the guest to leave your house) just in case.

Is asking a guest to leave rude?

“One has to do something to protect oneself if people are acting in a deregulated or unreasonable way.” ~Dr Smaller

So there you have it. Dr. Smaller and I agree. Take care of yourself first.

4) Don’t rely on alcohol to ease the pain. You do not want to be dis-inhibited when there is even one person in the room who can hit your buttons with an emotional taser.

5) See the humor wherever and whenever you can. It’s OK to roll your eyes as much as you want with your eyes closed.

6) Use the buddy system. Have a confidant close by or on speed dial; a friend, cousin, sister or niece who ‘gets it’. She may need your help to get through as much as you need hers.

7) Resist the urge to confront those who hurt you in the past. Now is not the time no matter how provoked you are. Trust me.

Having said that, if you are directly disrespected, or abused in any way, think ‘strategic retreat’.  This is like a time-out for grown ups. You could quietly, firmly say, “Please don’t speak to me that way,” excuse yourself and leave. Take the dog for a walk, go to a cafe for a decaf latte, listen to soothing music on your iPod, feed the ducks in the park and have a good cry. Give yourself 10-30 minutes to find your balance then rejoin the group. If the abuse persists go to Plan B (see above).

9) Breathe. 

10) Take responsibility for your own happiness. This is what the three ghosts taught Scrooge. No one was going to save him, not Marley, not his sister or his sweet fiancee, not even Tiny Tim. He had to do it himself.

Why do so many of us dread the holiday family gathering? Joyce Wadler, writer for the New York Times, tackled this question in Duck! It’s the Holidays. She put together a bunch of stories from the field, an oral history of holiday family horror stories. But before we get to the fun stuff, let’s hear from an expert:

Mark Smaller, who heads the public information committee of the American Psychoanalytic Association, said he believes that holidays can provoke “temporary regressions,” in which parents, adult children and siblings, once reunited, revert to decades-old patterns of behavior.

“The worst I’ve heard is when a parent says to an adult child, ‘See, when you come you spoil the whole holiday,’ ” Dr. Smaller said. “These kinds of remarks actually keep me and people like me in business.”

That’s the worst he’s ever heard? I’d like to meet Dr. Smaller; he sounds like a shrink with a sense of humor, my kind of guy. But I think he’s also trying to be nice. Temporary regression suggests that the people involved were “-gressed” to begin with. Or at least evolved. We can’t always count on that. However, if we’ve worked hard to grow up despite dysfunction in the family, holiday gatherings can be like a bad trip in Mr. Peabody’s WAYBAC Machine.

Above all things remember: Take care of yourself!

What Makes a Family Functional vs Dysfunctional?

The other day I was responding to someone who was dreading the holidays with her ‘dysfunctional family’ (her words). It got me thinking about that word, dysfunctional, and how it implies that there is an opposite, functional, family somewhere. What does that look like? Is it a Perfect Family? Some Stepford-like pod of people who never fight, are always neat and smiling? Yeesh! That sounds horrible. In fact it sounds downright dysfunctional!

So what is a functional family? How do we know if we have one? How would you define a functional family?

I don’t have all the answers. Family dynamics and treatment are complex and a whole field of study of psychology all by itself. These impressions come as much from my experience as from education and training. No family is perfect, even the functioning ones. My family of origin was what I’d call dysfunctionally functional. From them I learned as much what not to do in creating my own family as the opposite, what to emulate as I rear my kids and forge my marriage. In my work with couples and counseling parents I’ve also seen what works and what doesn’t.

So here’s my personal brain dump of qualities that make up a family that functions. It’s unscientific, but it’s as good a place to start the discussion as any:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T  Respect is the Holy Grail of functional families. All people in the family, brothers to sisters, mothers to fathers, parents to kids must be respectful as consistently as possible. Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love. I think too much emphasis is put on love in general. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect. Just about all the things on the list come out of respect first.

An Emotionally Safe Environment. All members of the family can state their opinions, thoughts, wants, dreams, desires and feelings without fear of being slammed, shamed, belittled or dismissed.

A Resilient Foundation. When relationships between and amongst people in a family are healthy they can withstand stress, even trauma, and, if not bounce back, at least recover. Resilience starts with encouraging sound health, eating and sleeping well, and physical activity.

Allow privacy. Privacy of space, of body and of thought. Knock and ask permission to enter before going through a closed door. All family members are sensitive regarding personal space and aren’t insulted if someone needs a wide berth.

Accountable. Being accountable is not the same as planting a homing device on your kid or abusing the cell phone to track her whereabouts 24/7. That’s not much better than stalking. No, being accountable is (again with the respect thing) respectfully and reasonably informing people in the family where you are and what you are doing so they can grow trust and not worry.

Apologize. It’s sad when people hold out for an apology on a point of pride, never acknowledging their part in a dispute. How many times have you heard of rifts in families that last for years because someone feels they are ‘owed an apology’?

A functional family has conflict. It’s very cool when we can have an argument and get to the other side of it still friendly and satisfied with the outcome. But let’s face it, that’s not always the case. Sometimes we say things that we regret. If we can feel and show remorse for our part, quickly apologize, ask for and receive forgiveness, no harm is done. You may even become closer for it.

Allow reasonable expression of emotions. When I was growing up I wasn’t allowed to be angry at my parents. I was determined to not do that to my kids. It hasn’t been easy. The main thing for me was to teach them to state their anger in a managed manner and to teach myself not to fly off the handle when they did. I had to learn that their telling me they weren’t happy with something I did or said could be done with respect. And, very importantly, vice versa.

Gentle on teasing and sarcasm. Teasing can be OK as long as the teased is in on the joke. Same with sarcasm. A functional family won’t use either as a poorly masked put down.

What We Can Learn From Dumbo’s Feather

Remember Dumbo? It was an animated film by the Walt Disney Studios released in 1941, recently re-released in DVD. Let me tell you the heart of the Dumbo story. I think it has a significant take-home message that we could all use.

It’s typical Disney: A cuter than cute infant elephant is born to a circus performing Mom. Mom adores her baby despite his fatal flaw – really ugly, gi-huge-ic ears.

Mom is torn away from Dumbo (tear jerker!) leaving the abandonded baby a virtual orphan with no means of support. He is forced to become a clown elephant, poor little guy. A helpful circus mouse (Disney, remember?) points out that if he opened up his giant ears he could fly and thus become a big star. Dumbo, being no dummy, disagrees, until the mouse says he’s got a magic feather. If Dumbo would just hold the magic feather in his trunk, open up his wings and jump off the high-dive platform, he would fly.

7 Classic Self-Help Books That Actually Help

Here are some of the books that I regularly recommend…

Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy, by David Burns. The best book out there on what cognitive behavioral therapy is, how it works and how to use it to improve self-esteem and your mood.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. How to recognize verbal abuse (you might be surprised) and how to respond in a non-defensive, self-respectful manner.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum. A clear step-by-step guide to help decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship.

Controlling People, also by Patricia Evans. How to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you. It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about taking responsibility.

Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie. How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself.

Stop Walking On Eggshells, by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger. Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix. A guide for couples to understand why we choose the people we marry and, if you are ready to work at it, how to build a “passionate friendship.”

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, (and it’s all small stuff), by Richard Carlson. A classic little book with a big message.

Do you have a favorite? If it’s not here please share in the comments section!

Photo courtesy of Yuikei L via Flickr

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” Maya Angelou

Am I Depressed or Just Surrounded by #!%holes?

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”  ~ William Gibson

When I saw this quote on a friend’s Facebook wall I laughed out loud with delight and recognition. It hit me on a subconscious level. Why did I like it so much? I couldn’t tell you. It even seemed wrong that I, a psychologist, would like the idea of blaming depression on others. And then there was the swearing bit.

But I did like it! A lot! Enough to share it on my FB wall. And others liked it! A lot! And I started asking myself, what is going on here?

People clearly related to this quote as I did. I started thinking of my own life experience. How many times did the behavior of others effect how I felt about myself? How many times did I have to leave relationships because of the damage they were doing to my self-esteem? How often do I counsel my clients to take a good hard look at how a friend, boss, spouse or lover, is treating them?

The different ways people can be assholes are infinite! Here three top qualities for asshole-ness that pop for me.

1. They can be stupid. And by stupid I don’t mean unintelligent. Not being smart all the time can’t be helped. No one can know everything about everything! I know nothing about fly-fishing except that it looks pretty when it’s done right. Would I assume to teach someone, anyone, about fly-fishing? No. That doesn’t stop the asshole. The asshole is deliberately, obtusely dumb and happy in their stupidity. Knowing nothing about fly-fishing does not stop them from lecturing you as if they were a prize-winning angler.

2. They can be loud. Can an asshole be quite and shy? Maybe, but not in my experience. Most a-holes are not interested in the give and take of conversation. They monologue, take over, shout, get into your personal space, and don’t even realize they are doing it. Or maybe they do it on purpose to intimidate. Either way, not nice.

3. They can be selfish bullies. Selfish is NOT the same a self-caring. The asshole is self-centered in a way that is exclusive. The feelings, thoughts, input or contribution of others is minimized, cast aside, even ridiculed, in order to pump up their own sense of self-worth. It’s sad really, if it didn’t come with the stupidity and the loudness (see above).

Why do assholes make us feel depressed? If we are exposed repeatedly to assholes they can wear on our self-esteem. Most of us are reared to be nice. Being nice means listening to others, sharing a conversation, pointing out the other person’s good qualities and reasonably expecting the other person to reciprocate. We respect others’ opinions even if they are not shared. We generally defer to authority. Nice people are slow to anger and tend to emphasize the positive (for everyone else, anyway).

Assholes somehow make us feel like dopes for being nice. At first we might get angry and if the asshole is someone we only see once in a while we can be angry and get over it quickly. But if they are someone we see everyday, at work or school, maintaining anger is very difficult and eventually our self-esteem begins to erode leading to feelings of hopelessness, fatigue, sadness, depression.

This is actually not a joke. Even though the quote makes light of it, chronic emotional abuse can indeed lead to diagnosable depression.

Ok, so where do we find assholes?

You can find them everywhere: at school, socially in your circle of friends, at church, at work and in the family…

What can we do about them?

1. Be honest with yourself. Give yourself permission to see the situation for what it is. Once you’ve identified that there is a person in your life who is harming you emotionally, you can begin the work of getting your self-esteem back.

2. Take action. Action in empowering. Taking action is what’s important, even if you can’t change the relationship because the asshole is your brother, you can still take action. Did I say ‘action’ enough?

3. The action you choose to take can be reducing your exposure to that person, requesting a transfer to another unit, office, state. Not calling your relative everyday but rather once a week. In extreme cases, you may decide you need to break up with them altogether.

4. Put into place healthy self-care strategies that will charge up your Asshole Protective Shield. That means keeping an eye on your sleep, eating and exercise habits. Spend time with people (and animals) you can count on that make you feel good about yourself.

5. Find a good therapist who can help guide you through your asshole recovery. If the damage done by asshole exposure is deep the journey to robust emotional health can be complicated. Be strong and get help!

Here are some related articles and books you might find useful:

Seven Rules for Surviving an Abusive Boss

Ten Survival Tips When Being With the Family is Like Walking Into a Minefield

Six Tips for Dealing with Bullies

What Makes a Family Functional vs Dysfunctional?

These books by Susan Forward: The Toxic Parents, The Toxic In-Laws, Emotional Blackmail and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them

How Can You Tell If You’re Really In Love?

In my journey to true love I must have thought I was in love at least nine times. Of those nine times once was really close to the real thing but I was in high school at the time and not ready to settle down. All the other so called boyfriends I had, I look back and ask, “What was I thinking?”

Well, I doubt I was thinking at all. While the guys were nice enough, those relationships usually fell under one of three categories:  1. They were convenient, 2. I was lonely or 3. the sex was good but not much else was.

When I was twenty-nine years old I was in a relationship with a guy who was smart, attractive, funny, immature and self-centered. At the time I thought, “This is as good as it’s going to get. Maybe it’s time to settle down.”

Then I met John. It wasn’t fireworks or love at first sight. It was and still is, as Miss Etta James sings, a Sunday kind of love. Warm, sure, safe. The longer we are together the more precious our relationship is to me. I couldn’t ask for a better love.

That’s why I encourage people not to ‘settle’ for less than good, solid love. And how can you tell the real thing from the cheap impostors? Mira Kirshenbaum, Women & Love, Finding True Love While Staying True to Yourself,  helps us do that with this list of qualities to look for. She wrote it with women in mind but it is true for men too, everyone, gay or straight. Love is love is love. I could not improve on her list so here it is, in its entirety:

It’s not just how you feel about him. It’s about how he makes you feel about yourself.

It’s not about losing yourself in him. It’s about becoming true to yourself with him.

It’s not about how great he is. It’s about how great you can become along side him

It’s not about how much you love him. It’s about how much he helps you love yourself.

It’s not about his finding room in his heart for you. It’s about his finding room in his life for your energy, drive, ambition, passions and interests.

It’s not just about how good he is deep down. It’s about how you experience his goodness as you live your life together.

It’s not about how he makes you hungry to be with him. It’s about how much he makes you feel at home when you are with him.

It’s not about the love you share. It’s about your ability to fully, equally, deeply share your life together.

It’s about falling in like.

Photo courtesy James P. Wells via Flickr

7 Bogus Excuses People Give for Being Ingrates

Today my husband and I are celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary! Yes, we have actually been married 27 years! We are celebrating because despite the stress of life’s up and downs we have managed to keep respect for each other intact. Now that I think about it, we often say ‘thank you’ to one another, for a meal prepared, a timely phone call to say we’ll be late, for going to pick up the kid or just passing the salt. More than ‘I love you,’ I believe ‘thank you’ has been the phrase that has provided the daily, gentle wind beneath our wings all these years.

In my psychology practice I see couples for therapy and it never seizes to astound me how remarkably rude people can be to each other. The excuses Alisa Bowman of the “Happily Ever After Project.” lists below are sadly familiar to me because they are just the pitiful reasons spouses and partners give for depriving each other of the gift of gratitude. They don’t even realize what they are doing. It’s a kind of death by a thousand cuts. Part of couples counseling is helping people become aware of how they hurt each other in these small, daily ways and how to turn it around. I am happy to post Alisa’s seven bogus excuses here:

1. “I shouldn’t have to thank my spouse for doing something he or she should be doing anyway.” Do you thank the person who bags your groceries? Do you thank your waitress for bringing your dinner to the table? Do you thank the fire fighter who gets your cat out of a tree? If so, you already are in the habit of thanking people for doing things they should be doing anyway. After all, these people are all getting paid to do these things. Your spouse doesn’t even get paid to wash the dishes, vacuum or cut the grass.
2. “My spouse doesn’t thank me. Why should I thank him/her?” In the words of the venerable Dr. Phil, “How is that working for you?” Someone has to start being thankful. It might as well be you. And even if your spouse doesn’t thank you back, your gesture of gratefulness serves as positive reinforcement, so your spouse is more likely to do this task again. Gratitude is always a win-win.
3. “But my spouse did it because he knew I was mad at him and not because he actually wanted to do it.” Think of how much emotional resistance your spouse overcame to perform this gesture. When your spouse is mad at you over something you didn’t do, is it easy or is it hard for you to perform a conciliatory gesture? It’s hard, right? It’s like running a dang marathon in 100-degree heat, isn’t it? It’s a gesture that is absolutely Thanks Worthy.
4. “But my spouse only did it because I asked her to do it.” So your spouse did it to make you happy and not to make herself happy. That sounds like love to me.
5. “But what my spouse did wasn’t a big deal.” It might not be a big deal to you, but it might be a very big deal to your spouse. More important, saying “thank you” isn’t a big deal, either. It’s just two words. You don’t even burn half a calorie to say them, and you can even do it with your eyes closed.
6. “I already missed my opening. It’s too late to thank him now.” That’s like saying that it’s too late to send someone a belated birthday card. It’s not. I’ve sent people birthday cards months after their big days. They always appreciate the gesture. In fact, the later you are, the more meaningful the gesture can be.
7. “She’s a big girl. She doesn’t need to be thanked.” That might be true, but why deny your spouse the opportunity to feel good?

Thank your spouse today.

Thank a stranger today.

Thank your kid today.

Thank a neighbor today.

I think you will find that the more thanks you give, the more happiness you will get.

Why do you avoid thanking your spouse and other people in your life? What is the road block? How has gratitude changed your relationships? What creative ways have you come up with to be more thankful? Who do you find easy to thank? Who do you find hard to thank? Why?

On Memorial Day – Visit a Cemetery

Courtesy of Sofia Francesca Photography

This is Memorial Day weekend. We gather with family and friends, we go shopping to take advantage of sales and most of us are grateful for an extra day off on a lovely spring weekend.  While we enjoy ourselves let’s remember to teach our kids why Memorial Day was created in the first place.

It has become a tradition for my little family to put together a picnic and drive over to Forest Lawn Cemetery on Memorial Day. Many cemeteries are beautiful parks for both living and dead. They are in their glory in the spring, with the trees in full leaf and flowers blooming among the elaborate funerary sculpture and mausoleums. My family does not have a relative buried there but we still have our favorite places to visit.

First we stroll through the weathered head stones that mark the graves of soldiers and sailors from the Civil War and all wars and conflicts since. Volunteers have come through earlier to place flags at each grave. As we walk, we read the names and life dates on the grave markers and the messages written from the living to their dead. History lessons from text books become real people with mothers. We pick up fallen flags that have blown down and do our best to re-plant them. There is a new space dedicated to those fallen in Iraq and Afghanistan. There we see fresh earth is turned and the stones glisten white.

After our walk we find a quiet place by a little lake, munch on our sandwiches, reflect on what we have seen and remember our own loved ones who have passed on. In this serene place where death mingles quietly with life, the geese parade by with their goslings, honking with irritation at the laggers. And we laugh.

3 Steps to Cure the “Yes, but…” Habit

There can be those rare, positive Yes-Buts like “Yes, I ate that whole piece of banana cream pie, but I was 600 calories under my budget for the week and it was delish!”

More often, the ‘Yes-But’ is a device of the devil. It keeps us mired in unhappiness. Imagine a car stuck in the mud (not a stretch if you live in the northeast, believe me). We spend precious energy spinning our tires, going nowhere but deeper in the muck.

The Yes-But is you. In the mud. Spinning.

Dr. David Burns would say the Yes-But is a type of cognitive distortion. Number 4 on the cognitive distortion hit list in fact: Disqualifying the positive.

The But effectively negates whatever came right after the Yes. It’s as if the Yes never existed. That is what is so devastating!

We use the Yes-But in two ways:

1. To keep ourselves down and off balance. This Yes-But is often a variation on the theme of “Yes I have nice eyes, but my nose is huge!” We basically put ourselves down, slap aside what is good and focus on what we think is wrong, leaving us feeling sad, angry, maybe even hopeless.

2. To keep others down and off balance. When we use the Yes-But in conversation with others we may be avoiding something, like maybe taking responsibility for our own actions.  In my work with couples I hear these kinds of Yes-Buts a lot. There are two major variations:

a. Yes, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry, but…

b. Yes, I accept your apology, but…

Easy to see where neither maneuver is any help in getting a couple unstuck.

Here are three steps to help you quit your Yes-But habit: