Negotiating the Minefield of Money in Marriage

This is a talk I wish I had heard early in my marriage. It would have saved me a boat load of grief, tears and nasty fights with my husband. It’s a good thing I’ve learned a lot the hard way and through my training and work with couples. It’s time to share.

This Saturday I will be at the offices of Lauber Financial Planning to talk about Marriage and Money. Amy Jo Lauber is a very special kind of Certified Financial Planner. She cares about people, helping them to embrace good stewardship over their financial responsibilities. Once a month Amy Jo hosts the I Hate Budgeting Support Group. (Such a great name, don’t you think?) This month I have the honor to share some of what I believe can help couples come to a peaceful understanding of how they handle and communicate about money.

We all have our scripts when it comes to handling money. Often we come to our marriages as adults convinced there is a wrong and right way to do things and that is a breeding ground for stress and conflict.

This talk is meant to give you the tools to help you engage in the difficult task of coming together in how you handle money when your scripts differ.

By the end of the talk you will be able to:

1. Embrace this concept: What can I do to be a better spouse?

2. Set aside the need to dominate: Learn how to focus and listen with the intent of truly understanding what your partner is thinking, feeling, what they fear and what they hope, without defensiveness, with an open heart.

3. Learn the four rules for a “Good” argument: The difference between reacting and responding. How to create a safe zone so that you and your spouse may speak freely and confidently!

I hope you will be there, Saturday, May 5, 10:30-12Noon. Click here for directions to Lauber Financial Planning offices.

My Mother’s Posse

Today is my mother’s birthday. While she passed away over ten years ago, (unbelievable!), her colorful, bring-it-on spirit continues to inspire me. But she wasn’t the only role model close by while I was growing up. There was a whole tribe of amazing women. They all had one thing in common. They were all ex-patriates of one kind or another. Strangers in a strange land, they adapted and thrived. In honor of my Mom’s birthday here is my little tribute to them all.

Back in the last half of the last century the Menninger Foundation and Clinic was a cutting edge international center for the study and treatment of mental illness. My father was one of many professional who flocked to Topeka, Kansas from all over the world to train and work.

My parents were from Colombia, South America. A physician, my father wanted to become a psychoanalyst. He applied to two psychiatric residencies, one in London and the other in Topeka. He was accepted into the Menninger residency program and my Mom broke down in tears. Bogota at the time was a little Paris, sophisticated and cosmopolitan. All she knew of Kansas was from Hollywood westerns. She was convinced her little family would perish in such a hostile environment.

She wasn’t alone.

The Menninger community became a society within a society. My parents’ friends came from places like England, France, Argentina, Chile, Indonesia, Egypt, Scotland, Guatemala and, most foreign of all, New York City!

The women of this micro-United Nations, were brave, strong women who made being exiled from their original homes look easy. They learned a new language, to drive, to cook (many of these women came from cultures where servants and nannies were part of the family home.) Far away from their extended families and familiar support systems they created their own in each other. They would congregate once in a while in “sewing circles” which I remember viewing from the height of a four year old. Laughter and movement is what I remember most. These women did not sit still for long.

Many of my Mom’s friends were in Kansas originally because their husbands studied and worked at the Clinic. After all, it was the fifties and sixties. But some, quietly, or in the avant guard of the women’s’ movement, had the guts to act on ambitions of their own. They studied and became nurses, psychologists, social workers, physicians, teachers and business women. Other’s were community organizers, philanthropists, volunteers.

My own mother came to this country with very little English. Back in Colombia she studied French as a second language, not terribly useful in Eastern Kansas. Although she had the American equivalent of a B.A. she went back to high school to learn English, continued through University and earned a Masters degree. Eventually she got her dream job, teaching Spanish literature at the Washburn University. All while rearing five kids and dealing with a high maintenance husband!

These women, my mother and my aunts of the spirit, their courage, tenacity, love of work and family, killer senses of humor and intellectual curiosity, thank God for them. I owe each one a great deal and hold them in my heart always.

For Valentine’s Day a Link for Everyone

Enjoy Your Valentine’s Day By Lowering Expectations

Five Ways to Leave Your Lover

How Do You Know If You Are Really In Love?

Finding Grounds for Marriage

My Vintage Romance

~Photo courtesy wallyg via Flickr

Valentine’s Day. Love it? Or Dread It?

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Out of curiosity I posted a question on my Facebook and Twitter feed: “Valentine’s Day. Love it? Or Dread it?”

Of all the responses I received one, only ONE, enthusiastic reader said she “LOVEEES Valentine’s Day!” She didn’t say why, but I got the feeling she is one of those people who is infectiously happy most of the time. She made me smile even as I responded, “So far you’re the only one in my little survey who loves Valentine’s Day. I hope yours is as wonderful is you wish. ”

Most people, on the other hand, those who appeared to be in happy, settled relationships, could take it or leave it. A few said their anniversary was much more important to them. Flowers were nice in V-day but not a deal breaker. This response is a good example:

“I have now been married almost twenty-seven years and I can honestly say that not ONE day defines the love that I have experienced from this wonderful man in my life…”

How sweet is that? OK, please do not gag. In the interest of full disclosure I happen to fall into this category. I know how fortunate I am, like this young woman who said,

“I’m indifferent to it. To me, it’s another day. The day I truly want to express my love to my husband is on our anniversary. That being said, I do like to acknowledge the day somehow, like with a card. And I’d never turn away flowers or any other type of surprise. ”

On the other hand, a lot of people wrote:

“Dread, hugely dread” it, “Dread it immensely!” or “Hate it!!!”

They didn’t say why but I can risk a guess that it has to do with the intense spotlight on coupledom on this one day especially if you are a singleton.

“I think it had bigger meaning when I was single!!! Really…. no big deal now. Buy the kids some chocolates and the hubby those nasty necco hearts that he likes the taste of and call it a day! But when I was single, man, Valentines day sucked.”

Yes, it’s sucky to have singleness held up as if it is an aberration when really, being single is often a GOOD CHOICE! If you are leaving a bad relationship, haven’t found the right person who appreciates you, or maybe you just like your independence and freedom to sleep in as long as you like, why shouldn’t you celebrate that!?

One Twitter follower wrote, “Does anyone love Valentine’s Day? Whether in a couple or single, it seems to cause trouble.”

An excellent observation! As if there weren’t enough pressure, the jewelers, card purveyors, chocolatiers and florists of the world conspire to inflate great expectations for the “Perfect Valentine’s Day.” Pity the boys. They seem to be most pressured to perform according to the commercial script, and you know what happens to men when they are pressured to perform. Limpsville!

A little advice: Take your partner off the hook. If you want a special V-day, take responsibility to make it happen in as low key way as possible.

And what does a single person do on the dreaded Valentine’s Day?

“I make sure I give myself some love and chocolates ”

Works for me! Whether married or single, in a relationship or breaking up, a good dose of Self Love is always prescribed!

So you choose! In sweet solitude or with a friend, consider ordering dinner in, followed by a snuggle under a cozy blanket with either a bowl of popcorn, your favorite dark, dark chocolate, ice cream, a glass of wine (or vodka as suggested by an FB friend), or all of the above. Then order up your favorite movie or episode of Bones…

Could make for a sweet, sweet Valentine on February 14th or any night!

Photo courtesy Kelvin255 via Flickr

What to Do if Your Teen is Cutting

Editor’s Note: This article was written by Dylan Broggio, LCSW, EWN therapist.

Finding out that someone you love is cutting themselves is very painful, shocking, information to hear. Being armed with information and a game plan can make all the difference in getting your loved one help.

What is cutting? Cutting is when someone purposefully injures themselves, but is not trying to committing suicide. Essentially, cutting is a way to deal with pain. Teens and young adults report they cut in order to cope with or relieve emotional pain, or to “feel something” when all they feel is numb. Marks or cuts are typically kept well hidden so that they can continue this way of coping with their emotions.

14% of teens report engaging in self injurious behavior

64% of those teens are girls. Ross and Heath, 2002

If suspect your teen is cutting here are some warning signs:

Cut, scratch, or burn marks on arms, legs, abdomen, etc. They can be anywhere on the body, but are usually in places that can be well hidden.

Finding sharp objects (knives, razors, safety pins/needles, tacks, broken glass) in your child’s room or belongings.

Your child’s friends are cutting themselves is a reason to be concerned.

Your teen wears long pants or shirts consistently, even on warm days, as this conceals the evidence.

Often insists that she be left alone and private when upset or depressed.

Here is what you can do to help your teen:

• Take your child to the hospital if injury is bleeding significantly or requires stitches. Otherwise a call or trip to their pediatrician is a good idea.
• Connect with a mental health professional who is qualified and specifically trained in treating self-injury. Be sure to ask.If they are not experienced with this, they should have no problem referring you to someone who is.
• Listen. Listen. And listen some more. As hard as it is, hear what your child has to say.
• Let your child know you love them, and that you are there for them.
• Participate in your child’s treatment. Often support from family and family counseling are necessary for a successful recovery.

Today’s Marriage Advice: Don’t do that! Do this!

A common trap for couples is to blame the other for their problems, as in “If he would just be nicer to me I would be nicer to him!” or “If she would just stop nagging, I wouldn’t avoid going home after work.”

If each of them took personal responsibility, stopped waiting for the other to change, took the risk to act in the manner they want to be treated, the couple has a chance to break out of their tar pit of accusations to discover happiness.

Photo courtesy Ivars Kroutanis

5 Ways to be Generous & Build a Happier Marriage

1. If you are getting a cup of coffee for yourself, offer to fill his cup too. My sister’s husband actually makes the morning coffee and brings it to her before she even gets up out of bed! Every morning! I know! And guess what? They’ve been happily married for over thirty-five years. Coincidence?

While my brother-in-law is a prince among men, most of us do very well at the breakfast table just by holding the carafe up and asking, “Would you like more coffee?” Even that little gesture of generosity is appreciated. Look for those opportunities throughout the day. “I’m going tot he store. Can I get you anything?” “Let me pick up the kids this time.”

2. Say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’. Contrary to the rumors those words aren’t just for company. Being courteous to those closest to us shouldn’t be so hard. Try sprinkling these magic words more around the house and feel the atmosphere soften.

3. If you think something like, “His butt sure looks cute in those jeans,” or “She is one of the smartest people I know,”say it out loud! Somehow it is so much easier to blurt out the negative criticisms, “Can’t you just once call me if you’re going to be late?”, and hold back on the compliments. Make a little effort to generously reverse the pattern.

4. Surprise your partner with random acts of kindness. Change the dead lightbulb in the closet, empty the dishwasher, change the diaper, before being asked!

5. Smile, touch, laugh without any agenda beyond the moment. Nothing is as generous, or intimate, as a light rub on the shoulder as you pass by or a smile and wink over the kids’ heads as they babble on about their latest exploits. Tiny shared moments like this are as important as nuclear hot sex when it comes to building a happy marriage. Really!!

Tara Parker-Pope wrote ‘Is Generosity Better Than Sex?’ siting research done at the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project. The investigators defined generosity as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly.” W. Bradford Wilcox, principle investigator, said, “Living that spirit of generosity in a marriage does foster a virtuous cycle that leads to both spouses on average being happier in the marriage.”

It’s not that hard. It just takes a little thoughtfulness to put a good idea into action.

Photo by petalouda62 via Flickr

10 Ways to Bring Christmas Cheer to Your Loved One In the Hospital for the Holidays

Disease and trauma do not take a holiday. Many of us have loved ones in the hospital for all kinds of reasons. We want to do what we can for our children, brothers, sisters, friends, who find themselves in strange surroundings during this supposedly most  joyous of times.

Fifteen years ago, a few weeks before Christmas, I was suddenly admitted to Women and Children’s Hospital.

I was five months pregnant with my daughter and I was very sick. With my history of kidney disease and scleroderma, I chose a maternal-fetus specialist to be my OB-GYN. Trained in situations like mine, where the mother has chronic illness which makes the pregnancy high risk, I had every faith in Dr. Margaret McDonnell. My first pregnancy had gone off without so much as a cold. This time Margaret said,

“You have to be ready for this baby to come early.”

What was she saying? “Margaret, you’re scaring me.”

“We’ll keep you in the hospital. The longer the baby stays in you the better.”

The doctors didn’t know what was causing the problem. It could be my kidneys shutting down or preeclampsia, a condition that is dangerous if not treated. If caught in time it clears up once the baby is born.

All we could do was wait and hope our baby would just settle down and stay put.

I was ordered to complete bed rest. After over two weeks of not being allowed to get up even to pee, I was scared, depressed and a little crazy. My two year old son wasn’t allowed on the floor. I missed him with a pain I can’t describe. And it was Christmas time.

Friends and family helped my husband and I keep it together. My daughter was born a few days after Christmas. She was one pound thirteen ounces and was able to breathe on her own. The doctors assured us she was strong.

Two days later my symptoms cleared up and I was discharged. My daughter came home three months later.

Hospitals and the medical staff are sensitive to the holidays but they have jobs to do and shouldn’t be expected to provide holiday cheer. Family and friends can make a huge difference, however, so I collected ten suggestions for those of you who may have a loved one in the hospital this season:

15 Things Happily Married People Know by Alisa Bowman

Photo Courtesy of Extra Medium via Flickr

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Alisa Bowman is the author of the popular blog Project Happily Ever After. That Alisa isn’t a trained couples therapist always amazes me. She deserves an honorary degree! I couldn’t resist sharing this particular post with you. I totally agree with everything on her list. I especially like the first ones that have to do with facing conflict gracefully and with respect. In fact, now that I think of it, a lot of these points could apply to any close relationship, with a sister, say, or a close friend.

Do you agree? Would you add anything?

What Happily Married People Know

On This Beautiful Thanksgiving Day ~ Thank You!

Courtesy of trixiegirl31 via Flickr

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There is so much to be thankful for. Today , we at Explore What’s Next wish to express our deep gratitude to You.

In reviewing the statistics for this blog it was a big kick to see that last month we had close to 10,000 page views with a bounce rate under 1%! In blogging lingo that is the equivalent to finding the Golden Ticket in a whole mountain of Willy Wonka Chocolate Bars! You may be quiet but you are here! Not only do you knock on Explore What’s Next’s door, you come in, stay a while, even have a cup of coffee. That is so cool!

Where ever you are, whatever you have planned for the day, thank you for participating in our blog. By being here and reading this you are a key element to its happy existence. You complete the circle. I am not lying!

Without you, what’s the point? Our purpose here is to have a conversation, to exchange ideas, to recognize ourselves in each other, to provide a guide, to assure, to help, to inform, to spark Aha! moments for us all and hopefully have some fun along the way!

We care for you and want to know what’s on your mind! Are our articles helpful or miss the mark? Please let us hear from you! Our favorite is when you write a comment, when you add a new spin, new information, your unique point of view or even just say ‘Hi’.

Where ever you are in the world, on this lovely Thanksgiving Day, we say ‘Hi!’ to you and thank you!