Valentine’s Day. Love it? Or Dread It?

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Out of curiosity I posted a question on my Facebook and Twitter feed: “Valentine’s Day. Love it? Or Dread it?”

Of all the responses I received one, only ONE, enthusiastic reader said she “LOVEEES Valentine’s Day!” She didn’t say why, but I got the feeling she is one of those people who is infectiously happy most of the time. She made me smile even as I responded, “So far you’re the only one in my little survey who loves Valentine’s Day. I hope yours is as wonderful is you wish. ”

Most people, on the other hand, those who appeared to be in happy, settled relationships, could take it or leave it. A few said their anniversary was much more important to them. Flowers were nice in V-day but not a deal breaker. This response is a good example:

“I have now been married almost twenty-seven years and I can honestly say that not ONE day defines the love that I have experienced from this wonderful man in my life…”

How sweet is that? OK, please do not gag. In the interest of full disclosure I happen to fall into this category. I know how fortunate I am, like this young woman who said,

“I’m indifferent to it. To me, it’s another day. The day I truly want to express my love to my husband is on our anniversary. That being said, I do like to acknowledge the day somehow, like with a card. And I’d never turn away flowers or any other type of surprise. ”

On the other hand, a lot of people wrote:

“Dread, hugely dread” it, “Dread it immensely!” or “Hate it!!!”

They didn’t say why but I can risk a guess that it has to do with the intense spotlight on coupledom on this one day especially if you are a singleton.

“I think it had bigger meaning when I was single!!! Really…. no big deal now. Buy the kids some chocolates and the hubby those nasty necco hearts that he likes the taste of and call it a day! But when I was single, man, Valentines day sucked.”

Yes, it’s sucky to have singleness held up as if it is an aberration when really, being single is often a GOOD CHOICE! If you are leaving a bad relationship, haven’t found the right person who appreciates you, or maybe you just like your independence and freedom to sleep in as long as you like, why shouldn’t you celebrate that!?

One Twitter follower wrote, “Does anyone love Valentine’s Day? Whether in a couple or single, it seems to cause trouble.”

An excellent observation! As if there weren’t enough pressure, the jewelers, card purveyors, chocolatiers and florists of the world conspire to inflate great expectations for the “Perfect Valentine’s Day.” Pity the boys. They seem to be most pressured to perform according to the commercial script, and you know what happens to men when they are pressured to perform. Limpsville!

A little advice: Take your partner off the hook. If you want a special V-day, take responsibility to make it happen in as low key way as possible.

And what does a single person do on the dreaded Valentine’s Day?

“I make sure I give myself some love and chocolates ”

Works for me! Whether married or single, in a relationship or breaking up, a good dose of Self Love is always prescribed!

So you choose! In sweet solitude or with a friend, consider ordering dinner in, followed by a snuggle under a cozy blanket with either a bowl of popcorn, your favorite dark, dark chocolate, ice cream, a glass of wine (or vodka as suggested by an FB friend), or all of the above. Then order up your favorite movie or episode of Bones…

Could make for a sweet, sweet Valentine on February 14th or any night!

Photo courtesy Kelvin255 via Flickr

A New Video Blog! What Is Imposter Syndrome?

Here’s the link to the article or you can just scroll down!

Who Do You Think You Are? 8 Tips to Beat The Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever had that feeling like you’ve fooled everyone in the room into thinking you’re good at what you do? Maybe you just got a promotion and you think, “This is a mistake. Jones should have gotten this promotion. I didn’t do anything to deserve it.”

For the longest time I would look at my doctoral diploma and wonder how the hell did that get there? Haha, I sure fooled them! Only it’s not funny. It feels awful.

My friend Rob Dee, writer, fly fisherman and depression survivor, wrote this comment on a post a while back, To Build Self-Esteem: Take a Compliment. He said:

I like reading your stuff because it always makes me think.

As an example, I write mostly for myself and if I can help people along the way, then yay me. I really don’t consider myself a writer at all, let alone a good one. Of course one thing I strive for is for people to enjoy reading my stuff, whether it be about fishing, suicide or working out. Writing for myself helps me get it out. Why does it make me uncomfortable when people tell me how much they love reading my stuff and how much they consider me a good writer? Why do I feel like a fraud? It used to be the same way when I played in a band that used to travel overseas too. Signing CD’s,and hanging out with and taking pictures with fans is what I strived to do, but when it happened, it made me feel odd. Why is that?

Feeling like a fraud can hit the best of us. Therapists are not immune, at least not this therapist. On and off throughout my life I have wrestled with that feeling Rob describes, the “If only they knew I’m not that person they think I am,” feeling. By the way, men feel the sting of imposter syndrome as much as women, trust me on this. We’re just more vocal about it.

You won’t find Impostor or Fraud Syndrome in the DSM-IV, that bible of psychiatric diagnoses. It is not a diagnosable mental illness. It is, however, a collection of feelings or symptoms that together may serve to hold you back from fulfilling our potential. Imposter Syndrome is when our self-esteem is fragile or low to begin with and then we achieve some success. Our old core beliefs that kept us questioning our self-worth in the first place, goes in to over-drive. The critical voices that kept us feeling low, “You will never amount to anything,” denies the achievement. Success doesn’t necessarily cure a low-self esteem. It just gets translated into, “You still don’t amount to anything. You just fooled everybody into thinking you did.” Imposter Syndrome.

Does this sound like you? Take this Impostor Syndrome Quiz:

Introducing… the Explore What’s Next BOOK CLUB!

Editor’s Note: This post is by Dylan Broggio, LCSW.

Yup, that’s right ladies and gentlemen! We are thrilled to announce that we’ll be reading (or re-reading) a different psychology related/self-help book each month!

With the incredible addition of  Dr. Calabrese, we are now a team of three, and I have ‘suckered’ her and Dr. Aletta into having our very own book club. Muhahahaha!

CONFESSION: I am a self proclaimed Dork and this really is exciting to me!

We’ll be posting our thoughts, reviews, experiences, and questions with you right here on our blog! We invite you all to join the discussion in our comments section. We are excited to hear your thoughts, different perspectives, and the questions you all bring to the table.

With so many of our clients, we utilize books to enhance the therapeutic process. We are really excited to bring this element to you all through the EWN blog.

Our first book is a tried and true classic in the field, The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

“Anger is a signal and one worth listening to” writes Dr. Lerner. In this book, she explores the role anger has in women’s lives and how to cultivate it into something as useful as it is powerful. Though it’s geared toward women, the principle applies to men just as well. Let us know what you think!

Our blog of this book will be posted the week of February 20^th. We can’t wait to hear what you have to say!

Happy reading!

4 Steps to Recover from Perfectionism, by a Recovering Perfectionist

You are awesome without being perfect!

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Editor’s Note: This article was written by Kathleen Calabrese, PhD, EWN therapist.

Well, the holiday season of 2011 is behind us, and I can say, proudly, I am relieved. I feel almost as good saying this as I did when I told a group of women gathered for my first grandson’s baby shower that I was not sure I wanted to become a grandmother. But that story is for another time….

I’m proud to say I’m relieved that the holidays are behind us because there was a time when I could not admit that to myself, let alone tell others. The holidays can be really hard for me. It has something to do with being a perfectionist, a recovering perfectionist, but a perfectionist nonetheless.

Perfectionists never have a moment’s peace. The cheerful, “happy to serve you” mask that perfectionists wear disguises the fact that we are driven by an internal voice that insists we do more, faster, in ever more perfect ways or there will be hell to pay. This internal dialogue, put in place in the early years of life, never lets up.

Generally, people develop one of three ways to deal with perfectionism:

1. They over function, racing through life, until one day something stops them in their tracks.

2. They give up, living a life devoid of creativity, achievement, or satisfaction because they know that the ideal demanded by that internal voice will never be met or

3. They live on a roller coaster, swinging wildly between manic overdrive and gripping depression.

Sound like you? If you are not sure you suffer with perfectionism, but think you may, try this Perfectionism Quiz.

How do you even begin to deal with this sad state? Here are four steps that helped me:

10 Steps to Lower Anxiety & Become Empowered!

1.  Knowledge is power. To tame anxiety the more you know about how your brain works the better.  So here’s a little neuro-psychology lesson.

What you need to know is that the older part of our brains, the inner bit in the middle, is called the limbic system. Within that is the amygdala.  For our purposes it’s enough to know that scientists believe that everything we need to keep ourselves, and our species, alive originates here. That means drives like the drive to eat, appetite, to have sex, procreate, and fear, to keep us vigilant of danger.

Our frontal lobes are in the newest part of the brain, the neo-cortex. Our ability to judge, to filter out right from wrong, to determine appropriate from inappropriate behavior, real vs. unreal, reasonable vs. unreasonable resides here. It’s the part that keeps us civilized and steady, among other things.

Behavioral scientists theorize that when we are threatened we respond on a primitive, non-thinking level first, because survival is more important than being right or wrong. The amygdala sends the signal that ‘there’s a nasty threat out there!’ to the adrenal glands. Adrenalin is released into the blood, kicking off the autonomic nervous system response, revving up the entire body to either run away, flight, or duke it out, fight, with whatever is about to kill us.

Anxiety occurs when this system goes into overdrive because there is no where for the body to run and nothing for it to fight. The threat is abstract. What’s firing off the system are scary ideas, not a saber-toothed tiger. All that adrenalin and no quick way to metabolize it causes anxiety.

Medical and non-medical treatments for anxiety are all about keeping the amygdala from running amuck and the frontal lobes engaged.

2.  Know the Bad News:  The bad news is if you have been dealing with anxiety for a long time and you have a family history of people who have anxiety [or depression], chances are you will be dealing with anxiety in some way for the rest of your life.

3.  Know the Good News:  Anxiety is very treatable.  Once you have good treatment that empowers you and you learn skills to manage the anxiety, (and keep your frontal lobes engaged) it can never hurt you so much, ever again. Really!

4.  Immediate relief may be as easy as learning to breathe deeply, getting enough good quality sleep, cutting out alcohol and caffeine for a while, and starting an exercise regime. Many patients have reported that just making these healthy changes reduced their anxiety significantly.

Dare to Let Your Light Shine Brightly

It’s funny how we trip over the same bits of wisdom over and over again. It’s like the Universe knows we’re a bit slow on the uptake so it keeps bopping us on the head just in case we missed it the first, second or third time around.

That’s how I felt the other day when I was channel surfing, putting off doing laundry, and ran across the movie Akeelah and the Bee, (2006). Eleven year old Akeelah was being tutored for a spelling bee by Dr. Larabee. He had a quote mounted on a plaque in his office. Akeelah read it out loud:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. ~Marianne Williamson

Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?

Akeelah: I don’t know.

Dr. Larabee: It’s written in plain English. What does it mean?

Akeelah: That I’m not supposed to be afraid?

Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?

Akeelah: Afraid of… me?

We are taught to be afraid of ourselves, afraid of our own brilliance, by people who love us, who had the best of intentions. “The world is a dangerous place.” “Life is hard.” “Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed.” “If you expect the worst you are prepared for the worst.”

Sadly, the result of all this fear inoculation isn’t toughness, it’s just more fear. Where is the hope in this? It’s hard to see.

That’s why I love Marianne Williamson’s quote. She just rips that blind fold right off. It’s a good lesson to learn over and over again, as many times as it takes to sink in, to undo the archaic lesson of fear.

Let’s not hide our light under a blanket. Let’s throw off the constraint of low expectations put on us by others. Let’s dare to be as great as we know in our hearts we can be, as we are.

If we give ourselves a moment to listen, we will finally learn the truth in this.

The divine spirit within us tells us so.

Photo courtesy of Ken Schwarz via Flickr

What Rats Can Teach Us About Empathy

Courtesy Big Fat Rat via Flickr

Just because we are human, and expected to have empathy automatically, we could still work on our empathic powers. Today take a little time walking in someone else’s shoes: your kid, your spouse, a friend, a co-worker. You might discover something new and feel better too!

Cagebreak! Rats will work to free trapped pal.

Begin with Yes!

Be afraid, but don’t be stopped.

Be confused, but don’t be stuck.

Be worn out, but don’t give up.

You’ve done it before, and you can do it again.

~Paul Boynton, Begin with Yes

Four Ways to De-Stress During the Holidays

Photo by Robert the Noid via Flickr

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Editor’s Note: This article was written by Dylan Broggio, LCSW, EWN therapist.

A few losing games of  ‘Paper, Scissors, Rocks’ with my husband, and I was tripping over my bottom lip all the way to the laundromat to do the dreaded chore of washing comforters (boo hoo).

Feeling sorry for myself and beckoning the dryer to for-the-love-of-God! DRY FASTER!  – I spotted a woman with a copy of  “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

OH.  MY.  GOOD.  THAT BOOK!  We instantly struck up a lengthy conversation about the utter simplicity and sheer depth of these teachings. It was so impactful that we both re-read the book every few years for a refresher on how to simply live happier.  Stress, depression, relationships, family issues, anxiety, job stress, you name it – this book taps into all of them and you close the book feeling lighter and, dare I say, happier?  So, I took this serendipitous moment as a sign it was the perfect time to review it (holiday season stress and all) and share it with you…

The Four Agreements. Taken from ancient Toltec wisdom of the native people of southern Mexico:

1.     Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say what you mean, and only that. Recognize that your words are powerful; they can make you feel great or crummy. Be aware of what you say to yourself and toward others, and work to eliminate negativity. This is the simplest and also the most difficult to uphold. Try it out for just one day!

2.     Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is based on what is going on in their worlds, not yours. So, if your boss is being short and inconsiderate in a meeting, don’t assume it is because of you. It is most likely something going on with her, and that is her’s to own.

3.     Don’t make assumptions. We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. However, when we do that we’re making things true in our minds that aren’t necessarily true at all. This causes a lot of suffering in the mean time. Don’t assume. Instead, clarify. Ask questions. Communicate as clearly as possible to avoid miscommunications, stress and unnecessary drama.

4.     Always do your best. That old saying we hear our teachers and parents say “just do your best”, is actually super important as adults too. By doing your best in any given situation, you avoid any self blame, judgment and regret. Go easy on yourself too. Know that your “best” will be different in times of stress or illness than times when all is going smoothly.

There we go! Four ways to create a happier life. Sounds simple right? A book you can read in two hours and only four agreements? Sure, done. Next?

Well, I will say that as simple as they sound, it does take some work, awareness and willingness to change your thoughts and actions. Hence the rereading (a.k.a. kick-in-the-pants) once a year or so.

Try just one out for a day, even half a day, and see how it feels. It just might make your season brighter!

Dylan Broggio, LCSW specializes in counseling teens and their families. She also enjoys working with adult individuals who are struggling with anxiety, depression or are overwhelmed by life’s stresses.