Enjoying the Gift of the Holiday!

In my inbox this morning was this quote brought to me by Elisha Goldstein, author of The Now Effect:

“In between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our responses and in our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Viktor Frankl

Holiday’s, whatever you celebrate, Passover, Easter, the Spring Equinox, give us that space. They are a time to pause. I love that about holidays.

When I take time to observe a holiday whatever is pressing on me, worries, decisions waiting to be made, tasks needing attention, it can all wait. I give myself permission to enjoy just being. I hope you will too! Have a happy, peaceful day!

Photo courtesy Sofia Francesca Photography

The Tornado Disasters: How Can We Help?

Imagine in one minute losing your home, the roof over your head, all your possessions, all those irreplacable things that anchor you?

I live in New York, far away from the devastation. When I heard on the news that Harveyville, Kansas was hit by a tornado last week I called  my sister who lives just 20 miles from there. She said it was horrible. She and my brother-in-law have been trying to do what they can to help but it is overwhelming.

We can feel miserable in our helplessness seeing the people hit so hard by the tornadoes that took everything they have last weekend. But doing anything really does count and is Good. Every single person making the effort does make a difference because that’s what a community does. And in this small global village we are all part of that community.

For those of us who live close to a disaster area we can volunteer to help with the clean up, distribute water, collect clothing. Look for an organizing leader to direct you to what is needed most, a church, minister, civic government, the mayor’s office, your local Red Cross chapter. We can open our homes to provide warm meals to the displaced. A place to clean up and rest until more permanent arrangements are made is an oasis to someone who has lost everything. Just sitting with people and listening to their story, allowing them to vent, cry, can be a huge blessing.

Below are a collection of web sites that may serve to guide us in what we can do. If you have any other resources that could help us help others please let me know and I will post them.

The Red Cross Launches Huge Tornado Relief Response

If someone would like to help people affected by disasters like tornadoes and floods, they can make a donation to support American Red Cross Disaster Relief by visiting www.redcross.org, calling 1-800-RED CROSS (1-800-733-2767) or texting the word REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation. Contributions may also be sent to their local Red Cross chapter or to the American Red Cross, P.O. Box 37243, Washington, DC 20013.

Locate a shelter. People can find Red Cross shelters by contacting local emergency officials, visiting www.redcross.org, or calling 1-800-REDCROSS (1-800-733-2767). iPhone users can download a free Red Cross shelter view app from the app store.

Those affected can let loved ones know they are safe by registering on the secure Red Cross Safe and Well website, where they can also update their Facebook and Twitter status. If you don’t have computer access, you can also register by calling 1-800-RED CROSS (1-800-733-2767). Loved ones outside the disaster area can use Safe and Well to find information about loved ones in the affected areas by using a pre-disaster phone number or complete address. Smart phone users can visit www.redcross.org/safeandwell and click on the “List Yourself as Safe and Well” or “Search for friends and family” link.

Tornado Victimes Flock to Facebook for Helping Hand

Some communities, such as Denning, Alabama, have set up Facebook pages to share resources.

Please:  If you have any other resources that could help us help others please let me know in the comments or my email, draletta@explorewhatsnext.com, and I will post them.

6 Reasons Why I Snapped My Husband’s Head Off

This is me writing. I have to write because there is so much on my mind it will drive me crazy if I don’t put it down somewhere.

The day before yesterday I snapped twice. Once at my daughter and again at my husband. Getting mad is one thing, snapping out of control is another. My family was stunned. Seeing me overreact in anger is pretty rare; they gave me a very wide berth. I couldn’t stand their questioning eyes. I went to bed. Why the hell was every little thing setting me off? My life was full of positives. A growing business, healthy family, my son home from college, what was there to feel stress about?

After getting an email from my husband I could think clearly again. Here are six reasons I came up with:

1. Expanding my business. Any entrepreneur worth their salt knows that the transitions between slow growth and sudden growth can scare the bujeezus out of you. When opportunity knocks, you don’t turn it down but one decision necessitates another and another, all of it needing immediate attention, until suddenly you had better put on the breaks or an avalanche may ensue. The world is littered with the carcasses of small businesses that expanded to soon, too fast, too much. I do not believe I am making that mistake but still the stress of keeping my galloping horse from running away with me takes a lot of mental effort.

2. Too much socializing. Homebodies, last weekend was highly unusual in that we hosted or attended parties four nights in a row. Two of them were planned, the other two impromptu invitations that we couldn’t refuse. All were fun, with good people whom my husband and I enjoy. But geez, did they all have to get bunched together like that? I need my down time. Now watch, there won’t be another invitation for months.

3. Not enough time with my little family. Because of the above and because my kids are young adults now and have active social lives of their own I felt deprived. We usually set aside time to just be the four of us, even the kids are sensitive to our family time. Only with all that crazy socializing it didn’t happen on the crucial weekend right before….

3 Reasons Why EWN Does Not Do Ads

Earlier today I discovered someone had hacked into my Twitter account and left an advertisement for a diet supplement as if I endorsed it. Yuck! This stealth commercial got under my skin so badly I had to write about it immediately (see below). Why get so upset? The ad, which stayed up for all of maybe seven minutes, wasn’t for smarmyhookups.com or tacky knitwear. Once everything was right with the world again, I mused on why it bothered me so much. Here are a three possible reasons:

1. The Explore What’s Next brand was built with a vision that our relationship with our reader comes first. For over four years we have been dedicated to providing helpful, quality content about relationships, anxiety, depression… just about anything about living in this complex stressful world. Advertisements, which makes money for the website that hosts them, changes the very relationship we’ve worked so hard to build. My opinion.

2. The only products endorsed here are EWN services, starting with a FREE 30 minute consultation!

3. Frankly I don’t want the distraction. Managing an advertising portfolio well takes time. It is possible, rare but possible, to have ads and do it with class. To do it well I suspect you need dedicated staff or blogging is your only job. That’s fine but it’s not me or EWN. I love my jobs, all of them – managing Explore What’s Next, being a good therapist for my clients, writer, wife, mother and steward of the animals under my care. That’s enough.

But mostly it’s number one.

Photo courtesy adambowie via Flickr

This makes me so mad!

Dear Readers,

I just now noticed that my Twitter feed in the sidebar at the right is a bloody commercial! Not my Twitter feed at all! I am taking it down as soon as I can. For my real Twitter feed click on the Twitter button to your right.  I just have to say that I have always kept this blog and website clean of commercials. Once in a while I may endorse a product I like but I am not paid for it in any way. This makes me so mad. Someone hacked into my feed and it’s embarrassing. Bleh!

Later: It’s fixed now. I changed my password and deleted that ‘not me’ tweet. This is yet another lesson in the importance of changing passwords on a regular basis.

Now on to more fun stuff like Skyping!

11th Commandment: Honor The Internet Sabbath

I took an Internet holiday last week. At first I was nagged by feelings of guilt and agitation. Withdrawal pains. After a few days the discomfort was replaced with a lovely sense of relaxation. I could focus on my family, good cooking, played games, music and even the few movies we watched (‘Elf’ is a holiday favorite.) Now I return to my online community with refreshed energy!

I recommend the occasional Internet vacation. If you can stand the initial detoxification symptoms and get to the other side you will find it is worth it. This article says it all.

The Joy of Quiet

Photo courtesy of Brian Hathcock

What We Can Learn From The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I realized it sooner.”

~ Colette

Two events that I had no control over mightily influenced how I live my life. Both happened when I was in my twenties. One was the sudden death of my best friend. The other was landing in the hospital with what turned out to be chronic kidney disease a few years later.

Woven in and out of my life since then is the awareness that happiness is a choice for those of us fortunate enough not to have to struggle for our existence.

Of course there are those days when I am angry, anxious or depressed about something or another. But if I remember that things like hot water coming out of the tap at my command is nothing short of a miracle, I eventually manage to find my happiness again.

What does this have to do with anything? Honestly I’m not sure, except that it’s what came to mind as I read this article by Bronnie Ware who worked for years in a hospice setting. In Regrets of the Dying, she shares what she learned from all the people she cared for in their last days. The common theme in all the regrets of the dying is the understanding that they had more power to live a happier life than they realized. Keep in mind as you read them that no one does anything perfectly. We all have our limitations and so can only be expected to do the best we can:

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way…

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence…

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others… although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

…It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Photo courtesy Sofia Francesca Photography

The Bright & Dark Magic of Returning to Standard Time

Photo courtesy of magic robots via Flickr

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My living room has a nice bank of windows that faces South-East. We call this room the ‘Morning Room’, in a mix of sincere irony. It’s a great room to catch the morning sun plus we like the way “I will take my coffee in the Morning Room, Beetes!” always sounds on Masterpiece BBC productions. Why should one room in the house be designated the ‘Living Room,’ anyway? Aren’t all rooms in the house living rooms? Who decided that that particular public room of the house where family and friends gather when they aren’t watching television (rare, let’s face it) be called the ‘Living Room’? And what ever happened to ‘parlors’, anyway?

But I digress…

Today we get an extra hour snapped onto the day. What you do with that hour is nobody’s business but your own. Linger under the covers? Get up and rake leaves? Read more of this month’s book club selection? Write a blog post? The idea of an extra hour to do with as you will is as yummy as indulging in an extra brownie that magically has no calories!

Until the end of the day when the daylight dims too early. Then I get a bit grumpy. I take the waning of daylight in the winter very personally.

My friends in the Southern Hemisphere remind me that when I post something about the seasons to remember that our fall is their spring, our winter, their summer. Just like that drinking song says, “It’s always five o’clock somewhere,” it does make me feel good to remember that on this Earth, the sun’s benevalent rays are always shining somewhere!

On a more practical level, because I do not own a condo in Florida, this fall I am actively working on Seasonal Affective Disorder busters by:

1. Stepping up my exercise. I am a lazy exerciser. As much as I advocate it with everyone I see in my practice, the fall is an easy time to lapse. This year I decided I need a coach to help me keep my game on. So after doing some research, I engaged a personal trainer. It’s about the cost of an alcohol-free dinner for two at TGI Fridays, not cheap but not prohibitive either. I just had one session so far and I will let you know how it goes. For now I am excited!

2. Making play dates with old friends. Being busy, busy, busy, I have a bad habit of neglecting my friends, people I hold dear.  Thankfully, they forgive me when I finally call them up and ask for a visit. Coffee at Starbucks, lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant, a long walk in the park, or window shopping. I like one-on-one time or small groups so much more than a big party. Looking forward to seeing them, even if we can’t arrange a date until 2012, works just as well to keep my spirits flowing.

3. Remembering what is Good. How easy is it to commiserate that the world is going to hell in a hand basket? And how depressing? It takes effort to remember that we have roofs over our heads, and nice roofs at that. I have a shower that delivers hot water without having to cart it in and warm it up on a wood fire. There is food that not only nourishes me, it delights my taste buds. There are people in the world who love me. And if I listen very closely, and slow down long enough, I can hear the soft, kind voice of Spirit.

I just need to remember all this when the shadows grow long at four this afternoon!