Taking the Panic out of the Period: 8 Tips to Explain Menstruation to Your Daughter

My mom was a nut in many ways but I always knew that she loved me. One way she showed her love was by setting aside the time, when I was about nine years old, to tell me what a woman's period was all about. It was just her and me in the house, I don't remember where everyone else went, what happened before or what happened after. What I do remember is sitting on the nubby couch in the living room as she drew a rough sketch of the the female reproductive system. It looked like the head of a cow with horns.

I was lucky. Thanks to my Mom's example, I was able to provide the same to my own daughter. Sadly, I know a lot of women who didn't get the "wondrous mystery of becoming a woman" explained to them in any manner whatsoever or, worse, in a way that was traumatizing. Maybe they just started bleeding "down there" one day, and someone, usually their mom, threw them the necessary sanitary device and that was that. The underlying message was, "It's shameful and dirty, therefore you are shameful and dirty. Deal with it."

Top 10 Posts on the EWN Blog in 2010!

Encouraged by my friend Carolyn Thomas of Heart Sisters, I present to you the ten most popular posts at EWN for 2010! I enjoyed bringing you every single one of them!

1) 7 Ways to Start Being Nicer to Yourself

2) 10 Things to Say to a Sick Friend

3) 8 Steps to Find Hope After an Affair

4) 10 Ways to Find a Good Therapist

5) 12 Links about Finding & Keeping True Love

6) 3 Big Danger Signs Your Partner may be Having an Affair

7) The Relationships Page

The Self-Esteem Page

9) 10 Steps to Lower Anxiety & Find Empowerment

10)  The Chronic Illness Page

What strikes me as I look at the list is that all these posts and pages provide feet-on-the-ground, get-to-the-point, practicle advice. In 2011 EWN will our best to continue to deliver quality guidance and information with humor and not a lot of foo-foo.

If there is a particular subject or situation you would like see us tackle, do not hesitate to email (explorewhatsnext@gmail.com) or leave a comment for us below!

9 Questions to Ask to Find Out If Your Parents Are Toxic

1.  Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?

2.  Are many of your major life decisions based on whether your parents would approve?

3.  Do you have intense physical and emotional reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents?

4.  Are you afraid to disagree with your parents?

5.  Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt?

6.  Do your parents manipulate you with money?

7.  Do you feel responsible for how your parents feel? If they are unhappy do you feel it is your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them?

8.  Do you believe no matter what you do, it is never good enough for your parents?

9.  Do you believe that someday, somehow your parents are going to change for the better?

If you answered "Yes" to even three of these questions, chances are your parents (or any other close parental figure) are toxic to you. Dr. Susan Forward, author of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, writes:

"…all toxic parents regardless of the nature of their abuse, basically leave the same scars. For example, your parents may not have been alcoholic, but the chaos, instability and loss of childhood that typify alcoholic homes are just as real for children of other types of toxic parents."

To begin recovery from having toxic parents Dr. Forward and I agree that two facts need to be accepted:

1. You are not responsible for what was done to you when you were a defenseless child.

2. Starting today, as an adult, you are responsible for taking the positive steps needed to liberate yourself from your parent's toxic legacy.

Coming soon: Positive Steps to Free Yourself From Toxic Parents

Three Reasons to Make Family Meals a Priority

Below is an excerpt of an interview I did about the benefits of families eating together.

Q: What are the top three reasons a family should have at least one meal together?

I hope we are talking about having at least one meal together a week! Study after study has shown that the more often families eat together the healthier the kids are physically and emotionally.

1) Kids who eat regular meals with their family are less depressed and less likely to act out by doing things like smoke or do drugs. That alone is a good enough reason for me to promote more family meals. But the benefits apparently do not stop there.

2) Kids who participate in regular family meals do better in school, are more confident socially and delay having sex longer. It’s not just the kids who benefit, of course.

3) Families who eat together are likely to take more thought into what they are eating and so make better food choices. In other words, they eat more vegetables and less junk.

Q: Families are busy.  How can a family find the time to eat together with packed schedules?

7 Steps When Someone You Care About Is Depressed

1. Be informed.
2. Help your friend get help.
3. Join supportive, informative organizations.
4. Keep healthy boundaries.
5. Do not work harder than your loved one.
6. Take threats or comments about suicide seriously.
7. Find help for yourself.

You can find the entire, more detailed article by clicking here.

I wrote this piece for Lawyers With Depression, a website founded by Daniel T. Lukasik, Esq, an attorney who has battled depression himself. He "established this site to try to be a loving presence to my fellow attorneys, judges and law students who suffer from this terrible disease.  Part of my attempt to be that loving presence is to establish, in one place, articles, materials and research that may help others in the profession with depression."

How much courage it takes to speak truth to a tradition that is all about showing no weakness, I can only imagine. For that alone I admire Dan a great deal. When he asked me to write an article about depression for the site and I was more than happy to do so. Below is an excerpt:

When I was in college, a close friend of mine went from being a free spirit to confining herself to her bedroom. She ate breakfast, lunch and dinner on her bed, if she ate at all. She stopped going to classes. When I visited she expected me to be happy sitting on her bed with her watching something on TV. She made sure the volume was too loud to allow conversation. When I asked her how she was, she said, “Fine.” When I told her I was worried about her, she got angry, “I told you. I’m fine!” So I shut up. The whole scene made me uneasy but I rationalized my fears by telling myself she was smart, that if something were truly wrong she would get help.

A month later her brother told me my friend was hospitalized after trying to kill herself. Thank God she survived. There was no hiding her depression any longer. Her family became involved and she got proper treatment and recovered.

Could I have done anything differently? Every single person who knew my friend asked themselves that question. We each had to deal with our feelings of anger, guilt and responsibility in our own way. Back then I was young and naïve. Today I know better. That doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, it is hard to face a demon like depression, whether you have it or a law student or lawyer you care about does.

Just know that you do not have to stand by and worry helplessly. There are some helpful things you can do to help yourself and your colleague, friend or loved one. Here are a few tips that I hope will help.

Click here to read the entire article.

Bringing In Family to Fight Anorexia

The girl said she would eat it only if she could have it plain, with nothing on it. The parents countered that they really wanted her to eat it with the cream cheese. Her last offer: she would eat half.

via www.nytimes.com

This article is about a 'new' method, the Maudsley method, to treat anorexia nervosa. As far as I can see it has three things going for it.

1) It is intuitive, a fancy way of saying it makes perfect common sense.
2) It empowers parents to help their child in a kind, healthy but firm way.
3) It addresses eating to maintain a healthy weight first, correcting for the cognitive distortions associated with it, second.

Read the entire article and see what you think.

10 Challenges for Parents With Chronic Illness

In the Parents Magazine article, "Mommy Isn't Feeling Well Today," Sarah Mahoney interviews many experts: professionals, parents who have chronic illness and sometimes, as in my case, people who are both. The article is impressive in how it covers many of the challenges parents face every day rearing their kids while their health is seriously compromised.

Below I summarize the article's most salient points and add my comments:

1)  "Handling chronic illness is about learning to live in balance," said Rosalind Doran, Psy.D. 

Many of us learn the hard way that if we don't pay attention to what and how much we do in all spheres of our lives we can quickly over-do. The result is the same as when the tires on our car are out of balance. We're in for a very bumpy ride.

2) "You can't dwell on questions like. 'Why is this happening to me?' or 'What if it gets worse?' It's important to focus on feeling well and to maintain a positive outlook."

Yes, this is more easily said then done but this is an important point and one I've made before. If you have a chronic illness, and I do, there is a danger that we will over-identify with being a sick person. We are not our illness and it really does matter that we make the effort to see the cup half full.

3)  The first hurdle is revising expectations of family life. "Of course, you can still be a loving parent, but some adjustments will have to be made. Your family will not look the way you imagined it would. That's a loss, and it hurts a lot."

In order to move on, down a new path, we need to let go of what may have happened if we had gone down another. If we hold on to, "What would my life have been like if I wasn't sick?" we deny ourselves the opportunity to create a real and satisfying present.

4)  A chronic illness may change your plans about having more children.

That may mean imagining a life with fewer kids, considering adoption or even remaining childless. I had to accept the very real possibility that I would not be able to have kids. As anyone who has been through such an agonizing reality, there is a mourning process, a grieving that takes place. For many women there is also a feeling of guilt (could I have done something to avoid this?) that must be let go.

8 Steps Toward Recovery After An Affair

Few things harm a relationship more than an affair. Whether the affair is emotional, a ‘one night stand,’ long term or a cyber-affair, the betrayal delivers a life altering blow. Will the injury to the relationship prove fatal?

In my experience as a relationship counselor there are some essential steps a couple must take for there to be any hope the relationship can survive an affair. If done wisely, there is hope the relationship will come through the ordeal stronger than before.

1) End the affair immediately. Kindly, completely, utterly. This has to come first if you are serious about reconciliation. ‘Friendship’ is not an option.

2) Re-commit to the relationship. If either of you aren’t sure about staying together then, for God’s sake, say so! Confusion is OK just don’t let that be an excuse to avoid talking about the reality.

3) Full disclosure. If your partner wants to know the details you owe them the details. Help them understand the reality because believe me, as bad as it is, it isn’t as bad as what your partner is imagining. Sometimes they really don’t want to know. Fine, let them tell you that directly. Don’t assume it.

4) Stop running and face the pain. Avoiding pain is often what led to the affair in the first place. Facing it is terrifying but necessary. Just shut up and listen; take courage and talk.

5) Walk on hot coals. Express your remorse and sincerely say that you will do whatever it takes to re-focus on the relationship. Then do it.

6) Take responsibility. Resist assigning blame. The affair is a symptom of something very wrong in the relationship. Both parties need to dig deep to discover and accept their share of responsibility. If the real issues aren’t addressed nothing has changed.

7) Forgiveness. Everyone involved needs forgiveness in order to heal. Both parties are injured, both parties are grieving, both parties need forgiveness.

A good relationship counselor can help you negotiate these steps, and more, steps that may be unique to your particular situation. This is just the beginning. To fully heal you need…

Time. Once injured, trust is like those tiny flowers that manage to live in the harsh environment of the tundra. Protect it, cherish it and with time something that once appeared so vulnerable will turn into something beautiful and incredibly strong with deep, sturdy roots.

Photo courtesy of Robert in Toronto

5 Tips If You Love Someone Who Has a Mental Illness

The National Institute of Mental Health reports that one in every four
adults – approximately 57.7 million Americans – experience a mental health
disorder in a given year. One in four, and that's just the US! 
And for every person in the world diagnosed with a mental disorder there is at least one, probably more, trying to help, cope and support that person any way they know how.

Mental illness is often a family issue. Parents, siblings, spouses and extended family provide housing, care and support, emotional and financial, sometimes to the point of  becoming proverbial case managers. It's hard enough when the chronic illness is something everyone recognizes, like diabetes. It's a whole other thing when the disease is a mental illness which is ripe for misunderstanding, misinformation and stigma.

By helping yourself you will help your loved one better. Care givers often have a hard time with this concept. Here are a few tips:

1) Be informed.  Go to the library or do a Google search to learn more about whatever diagnosis our loved one has. Be judicious, however. Go to reliable websites like Psych Central, the Mayo Clinic, National Institutes of Mental Health or WebMD. Remember that mental illness falls along a continuum of severity. One person's depression, bipolar or borderline personality disorder may be quite different from another's.

2) Join supportive organizations. Before you reject the idea of support groups because you are "not a joiner" or you "can't relate to those people" go to at least two meetings. I'd bet my favorite pair of shoes that you will be surprised who is there and what you get from them. Mental illness and addictions touch people everywhere from all walks of life.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI, provides thousands of families with much needed support. NAMI's mission statement says: From its inception in 1979, NAMI has been dedicated to improving the
lives of individuals and families affected by mental illness. They have a terrific website and local meetings.

Al-Anon also has a great tradition of fellowship and comfort. Al-Anon and Alateen are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their
experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. There are meetings everywhere, at all times of the day and night, all around the world.

3) Keep healthy boundaries. Boundaries are hard to maintain when you love someone with a mental illness, but it is crucial. Take time out for yourself. Nurture yourself by exercising, keeping involved in activities that bring you pleasure, getting respite and taking a trip. Such actions are not self-indulgent, they are your prescription for good health and resiliency like food, water and air.

4) Do not work harder than your loved one. It is their job to do what they can to get well. You cannot make them well. You cannot do their therapy homework. You cannot force them to go to sessions, groups or meetings. As much as you wish you could, you cannot take their medication for them.

Two good books to help you let go, even as you maintain a relationship with the person with mental illness, are Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie and Stop Walking On Eggshells by Mason and Kreger.  It doesn't matter whether or not your mentally ill loved is an addict or a borderline personality disorder. The insight and advice in these books is reassuring and practical and transcends diagnosis.

5) Find a therapist for yourself. Caregivers often get depressed themselves and could use a professional's eyes and ears to help them gain perspective again. Please do not wait until you are down for the count before you give yourself this valuable gift.

Please share any other tips you have found helpful below in the comments.

Photo courtesy of Theoro via Flickr

10 Tips For Effective Single Parenting For Dads

Today I'm happy to introduce guest blogger Ben Klempner, LMSW, founder and editor of Effective Family
Communication.  On his blog, Ben provides up-to-date, reliable
information and resources to help strengthen and improve relationships and
overall well-being. Inspired by my article For Divorced Dads: Seven Useful Links, Ben generously contributed this guest post…

Too often the first question that comes to mind when someone meets a divorced dad is whether or not he's meeting his alimony payments. Divorced or separated fathers who are dedicated to their children are in tremendous pain (whether they show it or not) wanting nothing more than to provide for the physical, emotional, and mental needs of their children. 

The following ten tips provide single dads with some guidance and ideas to maximize the effectiveness and influence of their parenting:

• Never to bad mouth your children's mother in their presence.
• Ask your children how their day was and listen attentively to the answer.
• Help your children with their homework.
• Know the names of all your children's teachers and the subjects they teach.
• Know the names of your children's friends and a little something about them (the more you know the better).
• Have meaningful and instructive experiences with your children that provide a sense of continuity and a sense of routine from visit to visit (like karate or yoga lessons).
• Know how your children are doing in their school studies and extracurricular activities.
• Compliment your children on their successes.
• Keep open lines of communication with your children's other primary caregivers if at all possible.
• Savor each moment spent with your children.

Do you have more tips? Leave them in the comments below!

Visit Ben Klempner's blog EffectiveFamilyCommunication.com and follow him on Twitter.

Photo courtesy of Wisdoc via Flickr