12 Tips for When Adult Children Come Back Home

1. Remember It’s your house – and your rules
2. Insist that your kids make a financial contribution – as this teaches them to respect you, as well as themselves and puts the relationship on a much better footing so resentment doesn’t build up.
3. Draw up an agreement on chores around the house and the basic house rules, then stick to them
4. Don’t wait upon them hand and foot! Just ask yourself what are they learning if you do?
5. Don’t treat them like teenagers and don’t try to control them
6. Accept that you have to go through a transition in what to except in behavior with adult children.
7. Ensure that both of you as parents are on the same side. If your partner expects a woman to do all the chores, the adult child will too, as you are still being a role model to your kids no matter how old they are.
8. If their behavior upsets you, speak to them – work out compromises, solutions and ways forward. Don’t let resentment, anger and arguments build up
9. Insist that they tell you if they are not coming home at night and explain why you need to know. (Peace of mind, security so you can lock the door etc). Asking for accountability is reasonable.
10. Be prepared to say: “I love you, but not your behavior” just as you did when they were younger kids
11. Remind them that this is your house. If they don’t like your rules, they must leave
12. Set boundaries – be firm, fair, consistent and respectful and of course, helpful and look at ways to move this situation forward long term.

AND another article on the same topic with similar ideas but from another angle which you may find helpful:

Rules For When the Chicks Returns to the Nest

Let us know what you think, what your situation is and how you are making it work, or if you still could use some help. 

The Strengths of Being Shy

Editor’s note: A post from Dr Kathy Calabrese.

I just read this article, Don’t Call Introverted Children ‘Shy’, and could not wait to share it! As a “closet introvert” I found it empowering and supportive, and I think that parents of shy children will be most appreciative of what the author has to say about these precious, often misunderstood children.

Photo courtesy progmetal via Flickr

What to Do if Your Teen is Cutting

Editor’s Note: This article was written by Dylan Broggio, LCSW, EWN therapist.

Finding out that someone you love is cutting themselves is very painful, shocking, information to hear. Being armed with information and a game plan can make all the difference in getting your loved one help.

What is cutting? Cutting is when someone purposefully injures themselves, but is not trying to committing suicide. Essentially, cutting is a way to deal with pain. Teens and young adults report they cut in order to cope with or relieve emotional pain, or to “feel something” when all they feel is numb. Marks or cuts are typically kept well hidden so that they can continue this way of coping with their emotions.

14% of teens report engaging in self injurious behavior

64% of those teens are girls. Ross and Heath, 2002

If suspect your teen is cutting here are some warning signs:

Cut, scratch, or burn marks on arms, legs, abdomen, etc. They can be anywhere on the body, but are usually in places that can be well hidden.

Finding sharp objects (knives, razors, safety pins/needles, tacks, broken glass) in your child’s room or belongings.

Your child’s friends are cutting themselves is a reason to be concerned.

Your teen wears long pants or shirts consistently, even on warm days, as this conceals the evidence.

Often insists that she be left alone and private when upset or depressed.

Here is what you can do to help your teen:

• Take your child to the hospital if injury is bleeding significantly or requires stitches. Otherwise a call or trip to their pediatrician is a good idea.
• Connect with a mental health professional who is qualified and specifically trained in treating self-injury. Be sure to ask.If they are not experienced with this, they should have no problem referring you to someone who is.
• Listen. Listen. And listen some more. As hard as it is, hear what your child has to say.
• Let your child know you love them, and that you are there for them.
• Participate in your child’s treatment. Often support from family and family counseling are necessary for a successful recovery.

10 Tips for Surviving the Family Holiday When Your Family Is Nuts!

1) Be honest with yourself! Once you’re honest with yourself and can say, “Yes, as much as I love them, my family is messed up,” you can begin to make plans to cope.

2) Ask yourself what you really want. You may be surprised by the answer. You may even decide what you want is to be with your family, warts and all. Once being with them is a choice instead of a gun-to-your-head obligation maybe you can relax.

3) Give yourself permission to have an escape route. If you want to try having dinner with the family make plans to go somewhere you can breathe easier for dessert. In extreme cases it’s a good idea to have a Plan B (i.e. leaving for good or asking the guest to leave your house) just in case.

Is asking a guest to leave rude?

“One has to do something to protect oneself if people are acting in a deregulated or unreasonable way.” ~Dr Smaller

So there you have it. Dr. Smaller and I agree. Take care of yourself first.

4) Don’t rely on alcohol to ease the pain. You do not want to be dis-inhibited when there is even one person in the room who can hit your buttons with an emotional taser.

5) See the humor wherever and whenever you can. It’s OK to roll your eyes as much as you want with your eyes closed.

6) Use the buddy system. Have a confidant close by or on speed dial; a friend, cousin, sister or niece who ‘gets it’. She may need your help to get through as much as you need hers.

7) Resist the urge to confront those who hurt you in the past. Now is not the time no matter how provoked you are. Trust me.

Having said that, if you are directly disrespected, or abused in any way, think ‘strategic retreat’.  This is like a time-out for grown ups. You could quietly, firmly say, “Please don’t speak to me that way,” excuse yourself and leave. Take the dog for a walk, go to a cafe for a decaf latte, listen to soothing music on your iPod, feed the ducks in the park and have a good cry. Give yourself 10-30 minutes to find your balance then rejoin the group. If the abuse persists go to Plan B (see above).

9) Breathe. 

10) Take responsibility for your own happiness. This is what the three ghosts taught Scrooge. No one was going to save him, not Marley, not his sister or his sweet fiancee, not even Tiny Tim. He had to do it himself.

Why do so many of us dread the holiday family gathering? Joyce Wadler, writer for the New York Times, tackled this question in Duck! It’s the Holidays. She put together a bunch of stories from the field, an oral history of holiday family horror stories. But before we get to the fun stuff, let’s hear from an expert:

Mark Smaller, who heads the public information committee of the American Psychoanalytic Association, said he believes that holidays can provoke “temporary regressions,” in which parents, adult children and siblings, once reunited, revert to decades-old patterns of behavior.

“The worst I’ve heard is when a parent says to an adult child, ‘See, when you come you spoil the whole holiday,’ ” Dr. Smaller said. “These kinds of remarks actually keep me and people like me in business.”

That’s the worst he’s ever heard? I’d like to meet Dr. Smaller; he sounds like a shrink with a sense of humor, my kind of guy. But I think he’s also trying to be nice. Temporary regression suggests that the people involved were “-gressed” to begin with. Or at least evolved. We can’t always count on that. However, if we’ve worked hard to grow up despite dysfunction in the family, holiday gatherings can be like a bad trip in Mr. Peabody’s WAYBAC Machine.

Above all things remember: Take care of yourself!

What Makes a Family Functional vs Dysfunctional?

The other day I was responding to someone who was dreading the holidays with her ‘dysfunctional family’ (her words). It got me thinking about that word, dysfunctional, and how it implies that there is an opposite, functional, family somewhere. What does that look like? Is it a Perfect Family? Some Stepford-like pod of people who never fight, are always neat and smiling? Yeesh! That sounds horrible. In fact it sounds downright dysfunctional!

So what is a functional family? How do we know if we have one? How would you define a functional family?

I don’t have all the answers. Family dynamics and treatment are complex and a whole field of study of psychology all by itself. These impressions come as much from my experience as from education and training. No family is perfect, even the functioning ones. My family of origin was what I’d call dysfunctionally functional. From them I learned as much what not to do in creating my own family as the opposite, what to emulate as I rear my kids and forge my marriage. In my work with couples and counseling parents I’ve also seen what works and what doesn’t.

So here’s my personal brain dump of qualities that make up a family that functions. It’s unscientific, but it’s as good a place to start the discussion as any:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T  Respect is the Holy Grail of functional families. All people in the family, brothers to sisters, mothers to fathers, parents to kids must be respectful as consistently as possible. Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love. I think too much emphasis is put on love in general. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect. Just about all the things on the list come out of respect first.

An Emotionally Safe Environment. All members of the family can state their opinions, thoughts, wants, dreams, desires and feelings without fear of being slammed, shamed, belittled or dismissed.

A Resilient Foundation. When relationships between and amongst people in a family are healthy they can withstand stress, even trauma, and, if not bounce back, at least recover. Resilience starts with encouraging sound health, eating and sleeping well, and physical activity.

Allow privacy. Privacy of space, of body and of thought. Knock and ask permission to enter before going through a closed door. All family members are sensitive regarding personal space and aren’t insulted if someone needs a wide berth.

Accountable. Being accountable is not the same as planting a homing device on your kid or abusing the cell phone to track her whereabouts 24/7. That’s not much better than stalking. No, being accountable is (again with the respect thing) respectfully and reasonably informing people in the family where you are and what you are doing so they can grow trust and not worry.

Apologize. It’s sad when people hold out for an apology on a point of pride, never acknowledging their part in a dispute. How many times have you heard of rifts in families that last for years because someone feels they are ‘owed an apology’?

A functional family has conflict. It’s very cool when we can have an argument and get to the other side of it still friendly and satisfied with the outcome. But let’s face it, that’s not always the case. Sometimes we say things that we regret. If we can feel and show remorse for our part, quickly apologize, ask for and receive forgiveness, no harm is done. You may even become closer for it.

Allow reasonable expression of emotions. When I was growing up I wasn’t allowed to be angry at my parents. I was determined to not do that to my kids. It hasn’t been easy. The main thing for me was to teach them to state their anger in a managed manner and to teach myself not to fly off the handle when they did. I had to learn that their telling me they weren’t happy with something I did or said could be done with respect. And, very importantly, vice versa.

Gentle on teasing and sarcasm. Teasing can be OK as long as the teased is in on the joke. Same with sarcasm. A functional family won’t use either as a poorly masked put down.

“Mom, Dad, I’m scared…” 6 Things We Can Do When Our Children Are Bullied.

Ever since the news broke that a local child, Jamey Rodemeyer committed suicide, I have been reading and viewing videos about what happened. It is all a horrible, tragic mess and frankly overwhelming. The stories related to Jamey’s death are endless. Everyone has question upon question about the bullying and harassment he endured, about what the school was doing about it, the difference between cyber-bullying and any other kind, how does this reflect on our culture, as a nation and more.

All I want do with this little article is provide a bit of guidance for parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, anyone who has a kid they are responsible for in any way.

If you suspect your child may be dealing with bullies, here are a few action tips you can take:

1) One of the most important things we can do as parents is listen seriously to our children. It is awful to be dismissed or made to feel like we are just “imagining things” when the cruelty is all too terrifying.

2) Give each of your children one on one time. This can be hard when we have more than one kid, but you can figure out a way to do it. Find a baby sitter, swap time with grandparents, trusted friends or your spouse.

3) Make that time without agenda. Just “hanging out” in a way that invites conversation provides an environment to share.

4) Trust your gut. If you suspect something is going on, gently ask your kid about it.

5) Do not be tempted to jump in with the solution. Ask your child what ideas they have to stop the bullying; what would they like you to do. Share your thoughts. Suggest a consultation with another adult, the school counselor, for instance. You want your child to be on board, however, if he or she refuses to talk to any authorities at school, and the bullying is chronic, go ahead and do it yourself. Just be sure to explain that you doing so, against their wishes, not to be disrespectful but because it is in your job description to protect them any way you can.

6) Empower your child without expecting him or her to “tough it out”. As Cruel’s Not Cool says:

“We want to teach our kids to be assertive, sure, but some social battles have gotten too big for kids to deal with on their own. If you have a hunch something’s going on between your kid and a peer please DIG DEEPER and be there to help get to the bottom of it.”

Related articles:

Jamey Rodemeyer Suicide: What Parents Should Tell A Suicidal Teen

 Stop Cyberbullying: What Is A Parent’s Role?

Parenting Quiz: Is My Child A Bully?

I Think My Child is a Bully: What Should I Do?

The Agony & the Ecstasy of Launching My College Freshman into His New Life

“The days are long and the years are short.” ~Gretchen Rubin

We don’t want our kids to know that our hearts are breaking. It’s not about us, should not be about us. It’s about them stepping out of the chrysalus and spreading their well-earned wings.

I can’t even write about leaving my kid at college yet. It’s just too raw. I am so proud, so happy for him and grieving all at once. A wonderfully brilliant thing that hurts so much.

Lisa Earle MacLeod did write about the experience, and very well. She says,

“One minute, you’re living with one of the most exciting interesting people you’ve ever met. The next minute, you’re watching them pack up their stuff to leave. It’s awful. It’s also totally worth it.”

Yup, that says it all. I have confidence the pain will ease. We will adapt to the new reality. In the mean time, thank God for cell phones! The day after we dropped him off, I felt like Odysseus tied to the mast of his ship, resisting the urge to call my son. I would not be one of those parents who can’t let go! Then I got this text: “Hey! Just wanted to say I love you guys and I’m doing well!”

If you can relate to any of this, if you know someone who can, I invite you to share this link and your experience and feelings in the Comments!

Read Lisa’s entire article, “The Terrible Thing That Happened When I Wasn’t Looking.” 

Thanks to Amy Jo Lauber of Lauber Financial Planning for sending me the link.

Families Learn Tips to Cope With Autism

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Teen Pregnancy On TV: Propaganda or Morality Tale?

Guest blogger, 16 year-old Vanessa, tells us what she thinks.

Contradiction is defined as the opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas.

Recently, I’ve observed that on the issue of teenage pregnancy society possesses just one huge message of contradiction.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we?

When you’re a just a child, a person drifting along through life without a care in the world there is never even any remote thought relating to or concerning the act of physical intimacy, as it should be. Then, you grow up and such ideas of purity and youth begin to be tested and questions start to arise. As you get more curious, the adults’ previous resolve to protect your innocence falters slightly.

Today, society does practically nothing to help steady parents’ nerves or to calm teenagers’ hormones.  Sure, schools always repeat the idea of abstinence and tell kids that teenage pregnancy is bad and will drastically alter your future. Adults tell kids that sex is a meaningful act that should only be performed with someone you love and when you are truly ready (and preferably older). However, the media completely out-weighs all of that sound advice by sending the seductive message that if teenage girls do become pregnant there is a possibility that it could make them famous!

You think I’m joking? Man, do I wish I was.

A Bully is a Bully at Work or at Middle School

Bullying in all its forms is cruel. There are times, though, when the bully is so subtle, so devious, that we wonder, 'Am I wrong? Am I making this up?'

The bullying I encountered in my first job as a psychologist, from not just one, but two,  people, was like that. It took over a year for me to figure out that the reason my self-esteem was crumbling was that my bosses took every opportunity to find fault with me in the form of "constructive criticism". Direct harassment I could recognize and do something about. This was worse. I was just beginning to develop my identity as a full-fledged professional. That made me vulnerably dependent on the feedback of my supervisors, those people who had the responsibility to train me and and help me gain confidence as a professional. They abused that power.

Then there's middle school. My high school age kids say that all those TV shows about high school drama really have it wrong. If you are looking for drama go to a middle school. My daughter, S, had a similar experience to mine. My daughter wrote:

"A few years ago, three girls, one of whom I had known for three years, turned on me for absolutely no reason. And that wasn’t even the worst part. I mean obviously it hurt a lot that they suddenly pretended I didn't exist, but what hurt even more was how they would whisper and make fun of me at school.

Obviously it wasn’t like the kind of teasing that is shown on television; the clichéd tough bully praying on a small defenseless geek. No, it was three girls going around being sly and evil, which in my opinion is worse.

During all of this I felt miserable. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I most definitely let these girls get to me and I began to question myself in a million ways. One day, as I was listening to my iPod in my room, as I do almost everyday. I came across this song, and suddenly the meaning behind the words sunk in, You're Exceptional by Jojo. I realized that these girls could do anything they wanted, but they would not destroy my self-esteem. That's when I finally told my Mom what was going on."

In middle school, like in your first job out of grad school, you are vulnerable to the feedback of others. You aren't fully formed yet and every hurt sticks, hard. Mean people smell weakness and go for it because doing so makes them feel powerful. See Queen Bees and Wanabees. 

S was not herself, but she needed to tell me in her own time. I would ask her how she was, take her out one-on-one, make sure she knew I was around ready to listen. When she started to open up about her friends turning on her I had to rein back the impulse to say they were all garbage and good riddance! That wouldn't be helpful to S.

She had to live with these people. S couldn't quit middle school the way I ultimately quit my job when the bosses became toxic. We needed help. I was grateful that our public school district has excellent behavioral health staff. S and I talked with her school counselor, Ms. C, who was perfect. Ms. C took S's concern seriously, helped her confront her tormenters directly and as a result they backed off. When the same thing happened a year later with another set of girls, S was able to handle it. It still hurt, but she had the confidence to deal with it herself. 

Similarly, years after I quit the earlier job with the horrible bosses, I found myself with another bully/supervisor. He appeared to enjoy giving me mediocre performance reviews. He actually said he couldn't give me higher scores because then I wouldn't have anything to work toward! No opportunity to make me feel small was left unturned. Like my daughter, the second time around it still hurt but I was quicker to see the bully in the bad boss. Wiser, older and with a stronger self-esteem I was able to leave quicker, too.

My daughter and I both felt confused, depressed and helpless until we shared our story with someone else. She talked to me, I am proud to say, and when I was having trouble with my boss I spoke to my husband. That was the turning point. If you think you might be bullied, harassed or in any way taken advantage of, talk to a friend, your parents, your spouse, anyone who you know for sure will have your back. Talk to them today.