“Sit up straight!” “Do not hunch over!” “Shoulders back!”
No, this wasn’t bootcamp. It was my childhood.
My father was a posture Nazi. His constant vigilance at the dinner table was a literal pain in the neck. People would compliment my parents on my posture and inwardly I’d roll my eyes, “You have no idea.”
Now I’m grateful. My spine is grateful, My internal organs are grateful. And today I learned that my self-esteem can be grateful, too!
While I was walking on the treadmill doing my morning mile, I watched the first episode of Life Hacks, a collection of TED talks, on Netflix. A client, who knows my love for Netflix, suggested this series as an alternative to Sherlock episodes.
Social psychologist, Amy Cuddy, shares how her research supports the idea that our body language can make a difference in whether we feel powerful or the opposite, small and unworthy. Stand up tall with your hands on your hips for two full minutes and, even though you may not be feeling it totally, it will be easier to act as if you own the room.Read More...
Owning your own business can mean working 24/7. I really felt it last week. Even though I thought I was doing a good job with self-care, last night was the first time I was really able to sleep deeply, well and for as long as I wanted. This morning I woke up so happy, loose and serene I almost talked myself out of it! Almost!
It started with, “Remember the back up of emails you need to get to, that conversation you have to have you’re not looking forward to, that report you have to write…” I could feel the good mood start to dissolve like sugar dropped in boiling water. Thank God I stopped myself.
Instead I stretched and told myself, “Today I am happy. I can get to that stuff and still be happy right now!” And I smiled.
As I sipped my morning coffee, basking in my sleep fulfilled afterglow, I read the front page article in the New York Times Sunday Review section: Goodnight, Sleep Clean and it sighted studies that explained exactly what I had just experienced. That’s pretty cool.
We’ve had a lot of articles here on the EWN blog about the importance of sleep such as “7 Tips to Improve Your Sleep!” and without a doubt we’ll probably have more in the future. Sleep is that important to our mental, emotional and physical health!
So go to bed, relax and remember that sleeping is not a waste of time. It is actually allowing a second shift of biochemical workers to get busy taking out the trash! Wishing you all a refreshing good night’s sleep!
Time for the top ten list! 2013 was a very good year for Explore What’s Next. Nicole Newcomb and Kate Maleski joined our team of wonderful therapists, we settled into our beautiful new office space and expanded our hours and types of service! It makes me just burst with pride at how EWN has grown!
Meanwhile, back at the blog, we have a sweet collection of articles about how to deal with anxiety, how to build better relationships and useful tips to get through those times of stress that can knock us down for the count. Here are ten of the most popular posts for 2013:
Looking forward to an Awesome New Year
filled with peace of mind,
strength of heart and resiliency of spirit!
Peace of mind and heart,
Prosperity throughout the year,
Happiness that multiplies,
Health for you and yours,
Fun around every corner,
Energy to chase your dreams,
Time to rest and savor,
Joy to fill your holidays!
May all your Christmas wishes come true!
Inspired by d.m. dellinger
“Humans, especially men, are notorious at forging ahead until the wheels well and truly fly off the trolley. Why is it that we only start looking after our heart after we’ve had a heart attack? The same can be said for our mental health. Look after it now, for a better future.” ~Matthew Johnstone
Describing what it’s like to be severely depressed to someone who’s never been there can be like describing the color blue to someone who was born without sight. Produced by the World Health Organization, written, illustrated and narrated by Matthew Johnstone, this video uses the metaphore of a Black Dog to help understand and validate what depression can feel like and what it takes to find hope again.
Thanks to my friend Mac MacDonald for sharing this with us! You’re the best, Mac!
Sometimes we stress ourselves out for no good reason! The holidays are filled with such “voluntary stress” opportunities. I don’t know about you but often my stress has to do with I think I “ought” to be doing for the holidays because of the standards others (a grandmother, mother or aunt, even so-called friends) have set up. Some of my “ought to-s” include:
1. Bake a ton of Christmas cookies, package them beautifully and give them away to neighbors and friends.
2. Find, purchase and wrap (beautifully) the perfect gift for everyone on my list before December 24, even if they live half a world away!
3. Decorate the house with Christmas cheer in every room! Is one tree enough?
4. Clean and scrub the house from top to bottom so that guests will not judge.
5. Lose ten pounds.
Ha! If even one of those five things happens it will be a Christmas miracle! Do you feel the same? Do you have your own list of ‘Shouldas’ that’s making you grumpy?
This year I am more of the mindset to just be honest with myself and brutally prioritize. You can do this, too. Ask yourself if you could only do one thing on the list, what would it be? So I took a deep breath and decided to focus on #2, revising it to read: “Find a good-enough gift that will make your loved one smile.” It doesn’t have to be the Best gift or the Perfect gift. For me the rest of the list is not essential for a happy holiday. In fact trying to squeeze in the rest in the next few days may take away form the holiday spirit.
The real trick here is not to care so much about the stuff that doesn’t get done. That’s not easy is it? But the truth is even the most sparkling floor does not replace the warm welcome of an open loving heart. A good guest won’t notice the dust bunnies in the corner and won’t care if they do notice them. A good friend will be just as happy with a little box of cookies after the New Year as a huge one before January 1st. I know I would! Wouldn’t you?
Life lived well is messy. Revel in it!
Around this time of year I don’t think there can be enough helpful tips to keep the Happy in the Holidays. That’s why I’m sharing these classic holiday depression busters by Therese Borchard, mental health writer extraordinaire.
These 9 rules help me put the joy back into the festivities–or at least keep me from hurling a mistletoe at Santa and landing myself on the ‘naughty’ list.
1. Expect the worse. What I’m trying to say is that you have to predict bad behavior before it happens so that you can catch it in your holiday mitt and toss it back, instead of having it knock you to the floor.
2. Remember to SEE. SEE stands for Sleeping regularly, Eating well, and Exercising. Without these three basics, you can forget about an enjoyable (or even tolerable) holiday.
3. Beef up your support. If you attend Al-Anon once a week, go twice a week during the holidays. If you attend a yoga class twice a week, try to fit in another. Schedule an extra therapy session as insurance against the potential meltdowns ahead of you.
4. Avoid toxic people. This one’s difficult if the toxic people happen to be hosting Christmas dinner! But in general, just try your best to avoid pernicious humans in December.
5. Know thyself. Before you make too many plans this holiday season, list your triggers: people, places, and things that tend to trigger your fears and bring out your worst traits.
6. Travel with polyester, not linen. I’m saying that you should lower your standards and make traveling as easy as possible, both literally and figuratively.
7. Make your own traditions. Making your own tradition might mean Christmas Eve is reserved for your family and the extended family is invited over for brunch on Christmas Day. Or vice versa. Basically, it’s laying down some rules so that you have better control over the situation.
8. Get out of yourself. According to Gandhi, the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in service to others.
9. Exercise your funny bone. Remember, with a funny bone in place–even if it’s in a cast–everything is tolerable.
Please share your favorite depression buster if it isn’t here! Click on the “Comments” tab above. We could all use your wisdom!
“Who will be my role model now that my role model is gone?” ~Paul Simon
From what I’ve read and heard through the media, I don’t think Nelson Mandela would expect or want to be deified. Some of the posts, interviews and articles about him since his death make him sound like he sprung from his mother’s womb fully the tolerant, brilliant politician and peacemaker he became in later life. But that can’t be so. It wasn’t so.
Like Nelson Mandela, my father lived a long life. He died in his sleep at eighty-eight years old. We are very lucky when we are able to know our parents as adults. It gives us chance to get to truly know them, not as the two dimensional icons of our childhood, but as the three dimensional human beings they really are. More like us.
Sometimes that’s a painful transition. As a child and into early adulthood, I worshiped my father. I thought he was the most intelligent, the most cultured, the coolest guy around. A combination of Jack Kennedy, Einstein and Freud. I had him on an impossible pedestal.
When it turned out he wasn’t the smartest guy in the world, that he could be, and often was, wrong, I had to grieve the loss of the superman I had created.
Then I got to learn all over again who this man really was; his frustrations, failures, in addition to his accomplishments. I realized he had clay feet as well as strengths. I had to let myself be angry that he wasn’t perfect. That he had “let me down”. Then I could forgive him in my heart and accept that he did the best he could. This was a long process and took not a few hours of therapy! It turned out that even with his faults my Dad was pretty cool after all. And, more importantly, he was a real human being.
Ultimately, when we are able to embrace our role models as good yet flawed, we can incorporate them into who we are and love them and ourselves that much more deeply for it. Who is our role model now that our role model is gone? They are never gone, as long as we carry the best of who they were inside our hearts.
The NPR Program, Tell Me More, had a wonderful conversation which emphasized the evolution and complexity, of who Nelson Mandela, the father of his country, really was. Of all the tributes I’ve heard and read over the last few days, this one stood out for me. To help us remember Nelson Mandela well, here are some of his most cherished words. Is your favorite here? If not, please share it in the comments:
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
“Let your greatness bloom.”
“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”
“A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination.”
There are lots of reasons not to be crazy about this holiday, such as putting up with kids that aren’t yours, in-laws who have an uncanny ability to push all your buttons, too much to eat, conversations that are either too intense or too boring and, my personal favorite, a lot of tongue biting just to get out in one piece. Here are a few good sites to help enhance everyone’s enjoyment of the day:
And let’s remember:
“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.”
~Epictetus, Greek philosopher and very wise guy
HAPPY THANKGIVING & HANUKKAH!!!
Photo courtesy of Yeimaya
Or, How is Our Self-Worth Like a Bug?
When I was in therapy back in graduate school I had panic attacks. My therapist said I was susceptible to anxiety because I wore my ego on the outside where it was too vulnerable. She said if you look at evolution the creatures on the low end of the food chain wear their skeletons on the outside and the inside was all mushy. Beatles are like that. The slightest thing could crush them. If the exoskeleton was cracked that is the end of them.
More advanced, evolved animals have their skeleton on the inside and their mushy bits are on the outside. If the mushy bits were hurt (as a rule) they may be battered and bruised but they could still stay upright and strong because our core, our bones, are on the inside.
We want our self-esteem to be more evolved.
When our confidence is anchored in ourselves rather than outside us, we are more stable and more resilient. For example, many of us are people pleasers. We tend to measure our self worth way too much on others’ view of us, instead of what we think about ourselves. That’s not to say other people’s opinion isn’t important. It just ought to be less important than our own belief in ourselves. It means that if they turn away from us, it may hurt, but we can still stand and stay strong. That’s real power.
How do we get our self-esteem skeleton on the inside where it belongs?
Start with some very simple, basic exercises:
- Raise your awareness of who that harsh critic is in your life. Whether in the form of another person or a critical voice in your head. Distiguish between that voice and the True You. You are kind, good and tougher than you think. You just need to raise the volume on your True Voice and tell that other nasty voice to bug off!
- Remember who You really are. List all your best attributes. Re-affirming who you truly are (instead of what others say you are) is a lot harder than it sounds but it works!
- Play a little defense. Say No. Start small. Turn down an invitation to join a committee when you already have too much on your plate. Say no thank you. Repeat as needed.
When we are born with thin skin it’s especially important to remember our inner strengths and practice them every day.