4 Steps to Recover from Perfectionism, by a Recovering Perfectionist

You are awesome without being perfect!

~***~

Editor’s Note: This article was written by Kathleen Calabrese, PhD, EWN therapist.

Well, the holiday season of 2011 is behind us, and I can say, proudly, I am relieved. I feel almost as good saying this as I did when I told a group of women gathered for my first grandson’s baby shower that I was not sure I wanted to become a grandmother. But that story is for another time….

I’m proud to say I’m relieved that the holidays are behind us because there was a time when I could not admit that to myself, let alone tell others. The holidays can be really hard for me. It has something to do with being a perfectionist, a recovering perfectionist, but a perfectionist nonetheless.

Perfectionists never have a moment’s peace. The cheerful, “happy to serve you” mask that perfectionists wear disguises the fact that we are driven by an internal voice that insists we do more, faster, in ever more perfect ways or there will be hell to pay. This internal dialogue, put in place in the early years of life, never lets up.

Generally, people develop one of three ways to deal with perfectionism:

1. They over function, racing through life, until one day something stops them in their tracks.

2. They give up, living a life devoid of creativity, achievement, or satisfaction because they know that the ideal demanded by that internal voice will never be met or

3. They live on a roller coaster, swinging wildly between manic overdrive and gripping depression.

Sound like you? If you are not sure you suffer with perfectionism, but think you may, try this Perfectionism Quiz.

How do you even begin to deal with this sad state? Here are four steps that helped me:

Step #1. Notice how you make decisions. Do you notice that your decisions are made because you WANT to do something, NEED to do something, or SHOULD do something? If you are able to honestly determine the motivational source of the decisions you make, you are well on your way to breaking the hold that perfectionism may have on you.

Why does this make such a difference? Perfectionists tend to make decisions unconsciously which means that they are not truly living the life they were meant to live. They are generally living to make other people happy, and they put themselves on the very bottom of the priority list. Taking the time to determine why you are choosing to do something will enable you to build the awareness you need to begin to break the cycle of perfectionism.

Step #2. Create a reasonably achievable “to do list” each day. It’s important to begin to disrupt that nasty voice in your head. By creating a list that includes only high priority, essential items, that you either NEED to do or WANT to do, you will begin to be satisfied with what you have accomplished each day. It will take time, so manage your expectations, and reward yourself in small but important ways. One of my rewards is a beautiful, lavender scented spray. I begin and end each day with that lovely scent.

Step #3. Embrace Radical Self-Care. I use the term “Radical Self-Care” because for the perfectionist, self-care is a radical idea! Every perfectionist I know, including myself, considered self-care an act of selfishness, but think of it this way. Caring for others requires a great deal of energy. Energy must be replenished from time to time, or it becomes depleted. When we replenish our own energy stock, we will be able to care for others without resentment or bitterness.

Make a list of all the ways that you would like to begin to practice radical self-care from using products that you love to taking yourself on a trip that you have dreamed about for years. There will be days when self-care goes out the window, but once you understand that you NEED to care for yourself as you do others, radical will become the norm, and you will be a much happier person.

Step #4. Finally, each day, practice saying “No”. Perfectionists are allergic to this word because saying “No” triggers terrible guilt, the toxic emotion that overrides almost all other emotions in the life of the perfectionist.

Be courageous, be bold! It’s 2012! The year when all things are possible. Listen for that shy, tentative voice that is cheering you on.

I sure am!

*Photo courtesy OhDuranDuran via Flickr