Celebrate National School Counseling Week!

National School Counseling Week 2012 will be celebrated from February 6-10 to focus public attention on the unique contribution of professional school counselors within U.S. school systems. National School Counseling Week, sponsored by the American School Counselor Association, highlights the tremendous impact school counselors can have in helping students achieve school success and plan for a career.

via www.schoolcounselor.org

The school counselors of my kids’ school district are awesome. We have gone to them several times for help and they have always stepped up.

The first time was when my son was in second grade. At the time my mother and father had moved into our home while she received palliative care for pancreatic cancer. My house was Grand Central Station as my brothers and sisters rotated through from their homes in other parts of the country. We thought my son was doing great handling all the chaos at home. Little did we know his frustration was just going underground. When his teacher expressed concern, I made a bee line to his school counselor. Right away I knew my son was in good hands. Together with the school psychologist, she was able to give him the opportunity to process his anger through play therapy.

When my daughter was in middle school and she ran into a Mean Girl situation with her “so-called” girlfriends, we went together to her counselor for guidance. Her counselor ignored me (which was weird at first) and focused on my daughter. She was heard, taken seriously, validated, all that good stuff. The counselor didn’t stop there. She helped my daughter come up with a plan to assertively and safely confront her tormentors. My daughter learned how to stand up for herself and, as importantly, that asking for help is not a weakness.

Fast forward a few years… My son’s high school guidance counselor made a huge difference in lowering our anxiety level when it came to the college application process. When my son was accepted by early decision to his top choice college, without my saying anything, his first email was to Mr Gervase thanking him for his help.

I can’t say enough about how I respect school counselors and psychologists everywhere. They are professionals who deal skillfully with every possible scenario, from the simple to the brutally complex. They work hard to guide our children to be their personal best during very tough times.

Thank you school counselors!

What to Do if Your Teen is Cutting

Editor’s Note: This article was written by Dylan Broggio, LCSW, EWN therapist.

Finding out that someone you love is cutting themselves is very painful, shocking, information to hear. Being armed with information and a game plan can make all the difference in getting your loved one help.

What is cutting? Cutting is when someone purposefully injures themselves, but is not trying to committing suicide. Essentially, cutting is a way to deal with pain. Teens and young adults report they cut in order to cope with or relieve emotional pain, or to “feel something” when all they feel is numb. Marks or cuts are typically kept well hidden so that they can continue this way of coping with their emotions.

14% of teens report engaging in self injurious behavior

64% of those teens are girls. Ross and Heath, 2002

If suspect your teen is cutting here are some warning signs:

• Cut, scratch, or burn marks on arms, legs, abdomen, etc. They can be anywhere on the body, but are usually in places that can be well hidden.
• Finding sharp objects (knives, razors, safety pins/needles, tacks, broken glass) in your child’s room or belongings.
• Your child’s friends are cutting themselves is a reason to be concerned.
• Your teen wears long pants or shirts consistently, even on warm days, as this conceals the evidence.
• Often insists that she be left alone and private when upset or depressed.

Here is what you can do to help your teen:

1. Take your childto thehospital if injury is bleeding significantly or requires stitches. Otherwise a call or trip to their pediatrician is a good idea.
   
2. Connect with a mental health professional who is qualified and specifically trained in treating self-injury. Be sure to ask.If they are not experienced with this, they should have no problem referring you to someone who is.
   
3. Listen. Listen. And listen some more. As hard as it is, hear what your child has to say.
   
4. Let your child know you love them, and that you are there for them.
5. Participate in your child’s treatment. Often support from family and family counseling are necessary for a successful recovery.

Introducing… the Explore What’s Next BOOK CLUB!

Editor’s Note: This post is by Dylan Broggio, LCSW.

Yup, that’s right ladies and gentlemen! We are thrilled to announce that we’ll be reading (or re-reading) a different psychology related/self-help book each month!

With the incredible addition of  Dr. Calabrese, we are now a team of three, and I have ‘suckered’ her and Dr. Aletta into having our very own book club. Muhahahaha!

CONFESSION: I am a self proclaimed Dork and this really is exciting to me!

We’ll be posting our thoughts, reviews, experiences, and questions with you right here on our blog! We invite you all to join the discussion in our comments section. We are excited to hear your thoughts, different perspectives, and the questions you all bring to the table.

With so many of our clients, we utilize books to enhance the therapeutic process. We are really excited to bring this element to you all through the EWN blog.

Our first book is a tried and true classic in the field, The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

“Anger is a signal and one worth listening to” writes Dr. Lerner. In this book, she explores the role anger has in women’s lives and how to cultivate it into something as useful as it is powerful. Though it’s geared toward women, the principle applies to men just as well. Let us know what you think!

Our blog of this book will be posted the week of February 20^th. We can’t wait to hear what you have to say!

Happy reading!

6 Reasons Why I Snapped My Husband’s Head Off

This is me writing. I have to write because there is so much on my mind it will drive me crazy if I don’t put it down somewhere.

The day before yesterday I snapped twice. Once at my daughter and again at my husband. Getting mad is one thing, snapping out of control is another. My family was stunned. Seeing me overreact in anger is pretty rare; they gave me a very wide berth. I couldn’t stand their questioning eyes. I went to bed. Why the hell was every little thing setting me off? My life was full of positives. A growing business, healthy family, my son home from college, what was there to feel stress about?

After getting an email from my husband I could think clearly again. Here are the reasons I came up with:

1. Expanding my business. Any entrepreneur worth their salt knows that the transitions between slow growth and sudden growth can scare the bujeezus out of you. When opportunity knocks, you don’t turn it down but one decision necessitates another and another, all of it needing immediate attention, until suddenly you had better put on the breaks or an avalanche may ensue. The world is littered with the carcasses of small businesses that expanded to soon, too fast, too much. I do not believe I am making that mistake but still the stress of keeping my galloping horse from running away with me takes a lot of mental effort.

2. Too much socializing. Homebodies, last weekend was highly unusual in that we hosted or attended parties four nights in a row. Two of them were planned, the other two impromptu invitations that we couldn’t refuse. All were fun, with good people whom my husband and I enjoy. But geez, did they all have to get bunched together like that? I need my down time. Now watch, there won’t be another invitation for months.

3. Not enough time with my little family. Because of the above and because my kids are young adults now and have active social lives of their own I felt deprived. We usually set aside time to just be the four of us, even the kids are sensitive to our family time. Only with all that crazy socializing it didn’t happen on the crucial weekend right before….

4. My son returns to college after a nice long break. This is like a mini-what-I-went-through-last-fall. I don’t like it but that’s too bad. It’s good that my son loves his college and has friends there now. It’s good that he thrives in the City and excels in his classes. He is returning to terra cognita, a master of his universe of which I have no part. My job is proudly done. Now let him go. Ugh.

5. A head cold that won’t go away. I write a lot about how I cope with chronic illness but for some reason a little acute illness like a crazy head cold can make me miserable. Headaches reduce me to a pouty child.

6. The anniversary of my Mother’s death. The kick in the gut. Eleven years ago my sisters and brothers gathered with my Dad as my mother exhaled for the last time. Ever the rebel, my 77 year old Mom surprised us all by dying too young. We were lucky to have her for as long as we did, to know her adult to adult, long enough that my kids have memories of their grandmother. She died in the room just across the hall from where I am writing this. My home is forever blessed by her spirit. I miss her so badly.

We all have those losses in which the grieving is never done. It moves along its path from tsunami to river to creek. I don’t think about my mother every day so I guess what I have now is an underground stream that once in a while bubbles up like a spring.

Yesterday my husband sent me an email. He said he was worried about me and had some ideas about what might have me on edge. (God bless him. He is very diplomatic.) He hoped we would have a chance to talk. As soon as I read his note the pain between my eyes became a lump in my throat. He gave me what I had been denying myself and needed: permission to cry.

4 Steps to Recover from Perfectionism, by a Recovering Perfectionist

You are awesome without being perfect!

~***~

Editor’s Note: This article was written by Kathleen Calabrese, PhD, EWN therapist.

Well, the holiday season of 2011 is behind us, and I can say, proudly, I am relieved. I feel almost as good saying this as I did when I told a group of women gathered for my first grandson’s baby shower that I was not sure I wanted to become a grandmother. But that story is for another time….

I’m proud to say I’m relieved that the holidays are behind us because there was a time when I could not admit that to myself, let alone tell others. The holidays can be really hard for me. It has something to do with being a perfectionist, a recovering perfectionist, but a perfectionist nonetheless.

Perfectionists never have a moment’s peace. The cheerful, “happy to serve you” mask that perfectionists wear disguises the fact that we are driven by an internal voice that insists we do more, faster, in ever more perfect ways or there will be hell to pay. This internal dialogue, put in place in the early years of life, never lets up.

Generally, people develop one of three ways to deal with perfectionism:

1. They over function, racing through life, until one day something stops them in their tracks.

2. They give up, living a life devoid of creativity, achievement, or satisfaction because they know that the ideal demanded by that internal voice will never be met or

3. They live on a roller coaster, swinging wildly between manic overdrive and gripping depression.

Sound like you? If you are not sure you suffer with perfectionism, but think you may, try this Perfectionism Quiz.

How do you even begin to deal with this sad state? Here are four steps that helped me:

Step #1. Notice how you make decisions. Do you notice that your decisions are made because you WANT to do something, NEED to do something, or SHOULD do something? If you are able to honestly determine the motivational source of the decisions you make, you are well on your way to breaking the hold that perfectionism may have on you.

Why does this make such a difference? Perfectionists tend to make decisions unconsciously which means that they are not truly living the life they were meant to live. They are generally living to make other people happy, and they put themselves on the very bottom of the priority list. Taking the time to determine why you are choosing to do something will enable you to build the awareness you need to begin to break the cycle of perfectionism.

Step #2. Create a reasonably achievable “to do list” each day. It’s important to begin to disrupt that nasty voice in your head. By creating a list that includes only high priority, essential items, that you either NEED to do or WANT to do, you will begin to be satisfied with what you have accomplished each day. It will take time, so manage your expectations, and reward yourself in small but important ways. One of my rewards is a beautiful, lavender scented spray. I begin and end each day with that lovely scent.

Step #3. Embrace Radical Self-Care. I use the term “Radical Self-Care” because for the perfectionist, self-care is a radical idea! Every perfectionist I know, including myself, considered self-care an act of selfishness, but think of it this way. Caring for others requires a great deal of energy. Energy must be replenished from time to time, or it becomes depleted. When we replenish our own energy stock, we will be able to care for others without resentment or bitterness.

Make a list of all the ways that you would like to begin to practice radical self-care from using products that you love to taking yourself on a trip that you have dreamed about for years. There will be days when self-care goes out the window, but once you understand that you NEED to care for yourself as you do others, radical will become the norm, and you will be a much happier person.

Step #4. Finally, each day, practice saying “No”. Perfectionists are allergic to this word because saying “No” triggers terrible guilt, the toxic emotion that overrides almost all other emotions in the life of the perfectionist.

Be courageous, be bold! It’s 2012! The year when all things are possible. Listen for that shy, tentative voice that is cheering you on.

I sure am!

*Photo courtesy OhDuranDuran via Flickr

10 Steps to Lower Anxiety & Become Empowered!

1.  Knowledge is power. To tame anxiety the more you know about how your brain works the better.  So here’s a little neuro-psychology lesson.

What you need to know is that the older part of our brains, the inner bit in the middle, is called the limbic system. Within that is the amygdala.  For our purposes it’s enough to know that scientists believe that everything we need to keep ourselves, and our species, alive originates here. That means drives like the drive to eat, appetite, to have sex, procreate, and fear, to keep us vigilant of danger.

Our frontal lobes are in the newest part of the brain, the neo-cortex. Our ability to judge, to filter out right from wrong, to determine appropriate from inappropriate behavior, real vs. unreal, reasonable vs. unreasonable resides here. It’s the part that keeps us civilized and steady, among other things.

Behavioral scientists theorize that when we are threatened we respond on a primitive, non-thinking level first, because survival is more important than being right or wrong. The amygdala sends the signal that ‘there’s a nasty threat out there!’ to the adrenal glands. Adrenalin is released into the blood, kicking off the autonomic nervous system response, revving up the entire body to either run away, flight, or duke it out, fight, with whatever is about to kill us.

Anxiety occurs when this system goes into overdrive because there is no where for the body to run and nothing for it to fight. The threat is abstract. What’s firing off the system are scary ideas, not a saber-toothed tiger. All that adrenalin and no quick way to metabolize it causes anxiety.

Medical and non-medical treatments for anxiety are all about keeping the amygdala from running amuck and the frontal lobes engaged.

2.  Know the Bad News:  The bad news is if you have been dealing with anxiety for a long time and you have a family history of people who have anxiety [or depression], chances are you will be dealing with anxiety in some way for the rest of your life.

3.  Know the Good News:  Anxiety is very treatable.  Once you have good treatment that empowers you and you learn skills to manage the anxiety, (and keep your frontal lobes engaged) it can never hurt you so much, ever again. Really!

4.  Immediate relief may be as easy as learning to breathe deeply, getting enough good quality sleep, cutting out alcohol and caffeine for a while, and starting an exercise regime. Many patients have reported that just making these healthy changes reduced their anxiety significantly.

Meet Dr. Kathy Calabrese, Our Newest EWN Therapist!

It is always exciting to start a brand New Year and this year is particularly thrilling for me as founder of Explore What’s Next. It is my pleasure to introduce the newest member of the Explore What’s next team, Dr. Kathy Calabrese!

Ever since the idea of Explore What’s Next was a just little twinkle in my eye, I dreamed of having an innovative psychotherapy practice that would allow you, or anyone you care about, find the right therapist. Not only that, it would be a practice that provides people from all over the world access to quality therapy through Skype.

My mission was enhanced when Dylan Broggio, LCSW joined EWN. Her skills in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the treatment of anxiety and depression in adults, fit perfectly with my goals for Explore What’s Next. And Ms. Broggio augmented EWN services through her expertise in working with children and teens plus offering expanded hours. Ms. Broggio’s warmth, high standards of practice but most of all her compassionate and effective counseling skills are greatly appreciated by all who work with her.

And now we welcome Kathleen Calabrese, Ph.D.! Dr Calabrese is a excellent addition to our team. When I met her I was struck with how easy she is to talk to, how infectious her smile is and how her energy and intelligence shines through. A psychotherapist with many years of experience caring for individuals, couples and families, her respect for her clients is up front and center. Dr Calabrese also provides value added service to Explore What’s Next by offering hypnotherapy and neuro-feedback therapy.

In the days, weeks and months to come you will be seeing (reading) more of both Ms. Broggio and Dr. Calabrese on these pages. Each Explore What’s Next therapist has her own voice, me included. While we all have a great sense of humor, (Thank God!) our life experiences and points of view are unique which will add a bit of spice to the blog and to Explore What’s Next as a whole. I’m really looking forward to a productive year for us all.

Both Ms. Broggio and Dr. Calabrese are now accepting new patients!

All EWN therapists provide in office, phone & Skype sessions!

Click here to schedule your free initial 30 minute consultation!

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this little step!

Dare to Let Your Light Shine Brightly

It’s funny how we trip over the same bits of wisdom over and over again. It’s like the Universe knows we’re a bit slow on the uptake so it keeps bopping us on the head just in case we missed it the first, second or third time around.

That’s how I felt the other day when I was channel surfing, putting off doing laundry, and ran across the movie Akeelah and the Bee, (2006). Eleven year old Akeelah was being tutored for a spelling bee by Dr. Larabee. He had a quote mounted on a plaque in his office. Akeelah read it out loud:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. ~Marianne Williamson

Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?

Akeelah: I don’t know.

Dr. Larabee: It’s written in plain English. What does it mean?

Akeelah: That I’m not supposed to be afraid?

Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?

Akeelah: Afraid of… me?

We are taught to be afraid of ourselves, afraid of our own brilliance, by people who love us, who had the best of intentions. “The world is a dangerous place.” “Life is hard.” “Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed.” “If you expect the worst you are prepared for the worst.”

Sadly, the result of all this fear inoculation isn’t toughness, it’s just more fear. Where is the hope in this? It’s hard to see.

That’s why I love Marianne Williamson’s quote. She just rips that blind fold right off. It’s a good lesson to learn over and over again, as many times as it takes to sink in, to undo the archaic lesson of fear.

Let’s not hide our light under a blanket. Let’s throw off the constraint of low expectations put on us by others. Let’s dare to be as great as we know in our hearts we can be, as we are.

If we give ourselves a moment to listen, we will finally learn the truth in this.

The divine spirit within us tells us so.

Photo courtesy of Ken Schwarz via Flickr

3 Reasons Why EWN Does Not Do Ads

Earlier today I discovered someone had hacked into my Twitter account and left an advertisement for a diet supplement as if I endorsed it. Yuck! This stealth commercial got under my skin so badly I had to write about it immediately (see below). Why get so upset? The ad, which stayed up for all of maybe seven minutes, wasn’t for smarmyhookups.com or tacky knitwear. Once everything was right with the world again, I mused on why it bothered me so much. Here are a three possible reasons:

1. The Explore What’s Next brand was built with a vision that our relationship with our reader comes first. For over four years we have been dedicated to providing helpful, quality content about relationships, anxiety, depression… just about anything about living in this complex stressful world. Advertisements, which makes money for the website that hosts them, changes the very relationship we’ve worked so hard to build. My opinion.

2. The only products endorsed here are EWN services, starting with a FREE 30 minute consultation!

3. Frankly I don’t want the distraction. Managing an advertising portfolio well takes time. It is possible, rare but possible, to have ads and do it with class. To do it well I suspect you need dedicated staff or blogging is your only job. That’s fine but it’s not me or EWN. I love my jobs, all of them – managing Explore What’s Next, being a good therapist for my clients, writer, wife, mother and steward of the animals under my care. That’s enough.

But mostly it’s number one.

Photo courtesy adambowie via Flickr

This makes me so mad!

Dear Readers,

I just now noticed that my Twitter feed in the sidebar at the right is a bloody commercial! Not my Twitter feed at all! I am taking it down as soon as I can. For my real Twitter feed click on the Twitter button to your right.  I just have to say that I have always kept this blog and website clean of commercials. Once in a while I may endorse a product I like but I am not paid for it in any way. This makes me so mad. Someone hacked into my feed and it’s embarrassing. Bleh!

Later: It’s fixed now. I changed my password and deleted that ‘not me’ tweet. This is yet another lesson in the importance of changing passwords on a regular basis.

Now on to more fun stuff like Skyping!